Feb 07

Dena Misses out on at least £5!

Things looked to have made a change for the better for George, Phoebe and Thunder this week as they were taken in by a kindly stranger however events took a turn for the worse when Phoebe’s worst fears were realised and her escape tactics were pushed to the max.

The week already hadn’t started well for the two as they were thrown out of their squat by two students dressed as homeless people.  I assume the guys were on their way onto some wacky fancy dress theme night and were playing the method actor to get into the mood.   Whatever happened they did a good job in assuring the young student that his time was up in the squat and it was time to move on to pastures new.

The situation was taking its toll on George who found himself getting into rows with both best friend Maddy and boss Frankie.  Maddy had a particularly bad way with words when she claimed her friend looked like a ‘tramp’ and naturally George took umbrage at this bursting into an aggressive retort that left the queen bee in a state of shock.  In between being fed rotten sandwiches a shift at the shop followed where he asked Frankie for an advance.  She didn’t seem keen until she sensed there was some gossip to be heard.  Her curiosity however bought the worst out of George as advised her that she should keep his nose out of his business before escaping from the shop.

The week wore on with the two homeless teenagers looking more and more desperate for a little salvation.  Normally these stories evolve into one of the characters getting into drug abuse and meeting a nasty end and the dark rings around George’s eyes made you think that might have been happening already however it appeared that the story was set to go down a different route due to the arrival of a mystery woman on the scene.

The event that changed the scope of the story took place in the middle of the week as Phoebe was attacked by a mystery man with his hood up.  It wasn’t really clear why he had decided to attack her however one thing that was clear was that for all the talk about her beloved dog Thunder didn’t seem particularly bothered looking the other way before exhaling a few insincere barks whilst tied up.

The rescue came in the form of a woman that had walked past the pair earlier in the day.  She told the hooded man that the police were on their way which forced the assailant to make an exit. What he was after Phoebe for remained a mystery.  I expect he offered her a toffee crisp or something.  I don’t imagine she would take kindly to an ‘outsider’ offering her a toffee crisp.

The mystery woman asked the pair if they had enough money for a hostel that night to which George and Phoebe confirmed that they were on the streets.  With this in what at the time seemed like a sheer act of kindness the woman named Dena offered the two a shower at her place.  They reluctantly accepted the offer – a little strange I thought what with George’s constant refusal to entertain the idea of something similar from one of his friends – and followed Dena to her modern looking property.

Even Thunder (getting much more coverage than the under-used Terry at the moment) was treated well as they arrived at the house being fed a bowl of food from where Dena’s former pet used to eat from.   I dread to think what that dog is up to now. She probably sold him to some sex mad slightly peckish Korans.

Dena coerced the pair into staying the night rather than out in the cold streets however Phoebe was still reluctant to trust following her long stint on the streets and was eager to find a reason to show George that he should also not be so quick to take kind strangers at their word.

She seemed to have found confirmation that her fears were correct when she found a book filled with pictures of young men one of which she recognised from her time on the streets. The viewer had already realised that that Deena was indeed a bad egg following a conversation with a mystery male during which she confirmed that she would be able to ‘get a good price for them’ and intimated that George was a virgin.

The revelation of the photo’s kicked Phoebe into survival mode.  Checking the windows and doors she realised that her only realistic chance of escape was to pretend that all was well and appeal to the apparent dog-caring side of Dena.  Her idea of taking Thunder for a walk seemed to be vetoed following a conversation with George during which she told him all about Dena’s plans for them and revealed that in her opinion ‘pimp’ was a nice word.

Once her friend had been convinced Phoebe became keener to make an escape and seemed to have been rumbled when Dena revealed Graham to be the man that had attacked her earlier in the week – it had all been a plan! Genius!  

An epic escape followed with Dena really not pulling her weight as Phoebe smashed a window before wriggling free of Graham’s grip with the help of George.  The campest homeless man in Chester managed to somehow block his assailant’s path to make it out the front door however could not find his friend and found himself hiding in a bush to escape more attention from Graham. 

The next day after seemingly a night spent looking for Phoebe, George called Callum and was ready to report his missing compadre to the police.  These plans were however put on ice when he found the friendship bracelet he had given her in the shop front where they had previously stayed.  This made George believe that she was safe.  But was she or will things take another turn?  In the interim George agreed to stay at Callum’s house along with the lie that his place was being fumigated.  A likely story.

Elsewhere Jacqui and Rhys took in a lodger who might be gay or might be straight depending on who you trust more out of Amy and Ste, Neil failed his driving test however pretended to the gang that he passed and Jono and Ruby reignited their relationship before the sixth former denied his involvement with the school girl to the rest of the gang.  Unlikely.


so have Riley and seth actually left?  I don’t get it!  Tweet me @hollybloggg

Jan 30

Dr Jeckyll and hide the sausage!

Mercedes this week found herself surrounded by employment opportunities as she the public sector begin to give her some payback in the form of some good honest hard work.  Oh and some cleaning.

The week started in a confusing fashion for the former wag as she awoke in a strange bedroom next to a strange man that had left a suspect bundle of cash next to his bed.  This being a variation of the scenario that she has become accustomed to Mercedes took onboard the pros and cons of the situation and decided that some cash to buy some new clothes was enough to make up for the fact that she was now pretty much  a prostitute.  I mean a high class prostitute – I assume that she wasn’t picked up waiting on a street corner – I’m being very presumptive to predict that Mercedes was going to use the money to buy new clothes.  She might have given it to a charity.  This is however unlikely.

The walk of shame was an eventful one for the mother of a doomed child as she bumped into Lynsey who had it seemed picked up a job at the hospital as a cleaner.  This seems a little unlikely to me.  Surely the kind of incident that were to unfold this week would be commonplace if the hospital keep employing nurses as cleaners and position them around vulnerable sick people in need of medical help.  Anyway being a friendly Irish type Lynsey told Mercedes that if she was in need of cash then there were jobs going at the hospital.  This would seem a bit of a climb-down for anyone after being in a relationship with an up and coming footballer however for Mercedes who has always been a bit more high maintenance that the average McQueen this seemed like a slap in the face.

After initially rejecting Lynsey’s offer Mercedes had a little think about her situation and decided to take her up on the cleaning job.  The next day she started her shift on the ward without any sort of interview or CRB check of any sort.  Is this really the kind of situation at every hospital?  This worries me a little bit.  Don’t think I’ll be able to sleep next time I’m in a hospital for the fear of the equivalent of Mercedes straggling me in my sleep.

Low and behold who should she see on her first shift but her first paying customer of ‘a night with Mercedes’ who it turned out was a doctor going by the name of Dr Browning.  Originally trying to hide from the surgeon who it became apparent had started the same week that Lynsey had lost her job she was spotted by the embarrassed Dr Browning who was justifiably shocked by her presence however keen for another night of passion.

In between Lynsey agonising about her dreams to get her job back – surely she should have been reinstated when it was clear that she wasn’t crazy and Silas was in fact a murderer? – Mercedes made told her friend of her creepy feeling about being surrounded by unconscious people however had no problem with befriending one of the better looking males on the ward who was badly injured.  It says a lot that things have got so bad that Mercy now has to make friends with half dead vegetables whose family don’t even want resuscitated.  What would Russ have to say about that?  Good old Russ.

Things went from bad to worse for Mercedes quiet new friend as the next day he went into trauma and with no doctors nearby Lynsey stepped into the breach and saved him from the brink.  The happiness didn’t last long for the cleaner however as Dr Browning turned into Dr Brown-trousers and told her in startling terms that the patient was DNR meaning do not resuscitate and that he was in big trouble.  It became clear that the doctor had forgotten to write this note on the patients records and his way out of trouble was to blame Lynsey and make sure that she never got a job back at the hospital.

This led to a series of agonising from Lynsey that her days as a cleaner would in fact be longer than she planned however this wasn’t Mercedes first barbecue and she put her favourite blackmailing shoes on warning Dr Browning that if he told anyone about what had happened everyone at the hospital would find out about his penchant for paying for sex and sent him a warning by scribbling graffiti on his shirt.

It seemed like the cocky doctor had had his comeuppance and attempted to persuade Mercedes that the two of them were like peas in a pod during another expensive rendezvous however the week was slightly turned on its head when Mercedes unconscious mate awoke to be greeted by a grateful girlfriend.  You could clearly see the unhappiness in Mercedes eyes as she saw the loss of a chance to make some more quick money disappear.  Oh well you can’t win them all.  I’m not sure if this is the last we’ll see of Dr Browning.  Personally I would love to see a Harold Shipman-esque storyline come around.

Elsewhere Darren went full steam ahead on planning Nancy’s dream wedding with the help of Cindy who following a few choice words with Nancy made a decision to do all she can to ruin the big day.  Darren later faced his biggest temptation as Brendan took him to a casino for a function to meet some contacts.  Luckily the D-man resisted temptation and told his fiancé about his indiscretion before being congratulated on his mental strength for not splashing the cash on the tables.

The students had a varying week as Neil somehow passed his driving test, Tilly got stressed about her exams and after somehow finding the money for a night out George came back to the squat to find it had been overrun by a couple of students dressed as homeless people.

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Jan 23

Hollyoaks: A life on the street

George’s living arrangements became even more of an issue this week as Callum became concerned for his friends health and the effects that the lack of medical attention and poor conditions in the squat were having.  Elsewhere Dennis reluctantly cast aside his obsession with Leanne and upped sticks to Mumbai to teach Indian people about mobile phones or something.

This week also saw the introduction of a new character.  Phoebe is the typical homeless soap stereotype.  Seemingly thrown out of her home by her parents for being an amazing whiny little twat she refers to people that aren’t homeless to ‘outsiders’ and likes to constantly reassure George that they are better off without the help of others.  She is very friendly with her dog that might be called Buster.  I’m a little worried that she is a little over-friendly with the dog but I suppose this won’t be confirmed until at least the next episode of Hollyoaks later.

The week began with a stressed George imploring Callum not to tell anyone about his life in the squat.  It was soon revealed that he had been living there since his parents threw him out for being a massive gay.  Now is it just me or does this seem a little unlikely in 2012? Or 2011 or whenever they threw him out.  Also does he not have any relatives that he could stay with?  Also why is he so embarrassed about telling his friends?  Surely them knowing that your parents are bigots isn’t as bad as sleeping in a squat with a Manc bestiality fan?

To illustrate to his friend how his nights were spent George challenged Callum to sleep over at the flat.  This seemed to go okay apart from Phoebe going out in the middle of the night – I expect the dog was feeling a little amorous – and the two left for college as normal.  Things however got a little bit tangled as Callum’s mother made an inquisitive debut and asked her son where he had spent the night before assuming he had been with the returning Maddie.  This led to the sequence of Callum forgetting his phone and Ash handing it to Maddie with a knowing comment about the previous nights activities which rightly confused the queen bee who became more and more confounded by her boyfriends even more than usual enigmatic mood.

In between shoplifting sessions that George did not approve of, Phoebe spent the week looking for things to steal in her own flat and when she saw Callum’s watch there for the taking she didn’t think twice before pocketing it.  This watch had been given to Callum by Maddie who had lavished gifts on everyone following her return from holiday.  Instead of handing over something useful like a massive bag of pasta to George she gave him a snow globe.   Not gona get much money for that on ebay.

When Callum realised that his watch was missing from his wrist he asked George if he had seen it lying around in the squat.   Unfortunately the future big issue seller took this badly and blasted his friend wrongly believing that Phoebe had been right about the ‘outsiders’ and the way that they think about those less fortunate than them.  After spurning the opportunity to spend the night at Callum’s to get over a nasty cough George returned to the squat only to discover that the watch had in fact been stolen by his old mucker Phoebe.  This led to him asking if he could stay over – seeing his chance to smuggle the watch back – however Callum was quicker than he had anticipated in fetching the tissues (ooh er) and caught him in the act.

The next day involved much fretting from Maddie who decided to invite herself over to Callum’s after agonising to Tilly that they still hadn’t closed the deal so to speak.  After a chat with Callum’s mother, who might be some sort of chirpy east end escort, the two looked to be getting down to business however Callum was clearly distracted by his phone and received a text from George asking if he could stay over after all. Strangely shocked that Maddie would be at her boyfriend’s house George alarmingly told Callum that she could not know about his situation to which an understanding Callum agreed only to discover that his girlfriend had became wary of his enigmatic ways and left.

Hopefully we’ll have a happy ending here.  By a happy ending I mean Buster (If that is the dog’s name) gets Phoebe pregnant and they sell the half human half dog babies and make lots of money.  I think this would make everyone happy.

Elsewhere the strangest story for a while occurred involving Jono as he searched for a woman in an ancient picture.  He eventually discovered it to be Myra McQueen who was only too happy to be ogled and pictured which won the bet for Ruby’s new man.

Dennis had a headlining story this week as he debated whether he should travel to Mumbai for his job.  His reluctance led to his family members staging a ‘Leanntervention’ which involved them telling him over and over again that Lee Hunter’s ex girlfriend wasn’t interested.  I find it a little weird that she isn’t considering Lee and Dennis are so similar personality wise.  In some ways Dennis is like funnier version of Lee.  Anyway Dennis eventually set off on his travels for two months following a lovely party thrown by his housemates.  It probably would have been a bit rowdier but when you have Brendan in the flat next door you tend to behave.

Elsewhere Lynsey revealed she is being pestered for sex by Jesse Metcalf (maybe) and Terry attempted to steal George’s thunder by taking a trip to the vets.


I just read that Phoebe’s dog is called Thunder.  Nevermind.  Follow @hollybloggg on twitter

Jan 16

Lust is in the air…Not you Brendan!

Awkward teenage love was in the air this week as Ruby threw out her love net and entangled virgin sixth former Jono within it much to the surprise of his friends.  This week also saw the return of Brendan’s son Declan whose reappearance threw a spanner into the works just when the Irishman thought he had everything in his life under control.

The scene was set at the beginning of the week for what Ruby hoped would be the party of the year at the Dog.  By the scene was set I mean Frankie had put on a good spread and the pub was open.  The other ingredients including other people and an atmosphere were sadly lacking.  Apart from Ricky that is who made a fleeting appearance to present the birthday girl with her present and make an awkward comment about Esther’s gift of a token.

The sixth formers meanwhile had congregated together for the evening – minus for some reason I didn’t catch Tilly and Maddy – and in need of food came up with the bright idea of someone going into the party and making off with some of the buffet.  The person elected with the job was Jono however it seemed he was too nice for the task of avoiding the unhappy birthday girl and approached a distraught looking Ruby.  After a few minutes of playing the nice guy and comforting the unpopular school girl he was being led into the pub and after a little while was kissing her seemingly in full view of her surrogate family.

Soon enough the rest of the gang turned up somewhat shocked to see their mate in the clutches of a girl in the year below and acted along that they had also turned up on the hope of a night out rather than some left over sandwiches.  Ruby romanticised about the arrival of the gang the next day school to Esther while Jono was roundly mocked for his apparent love struck mood.

The two came across each other the next day and Ruby being the more experience one in these sorts of things following her adventures with Ricky made the big move and asked Jono if he wanted to go out.  Desperate to lose his virginity at some point the flustered teen agreed and they agreed to meet at the pub the next day.

So the date was set and following some awkward man to man talk with Jack in the toilets following an attempt the use the condom machine and a spot of trouble at the urinal the two were given a lift to the cinema.  All was going well – unless you were sitting behind Ruby’s massive hair - until Jono caught the eye of fellow film fan Brendan who had bought son Declan to see a movie.   Following the sight of the man that had injured him the previous day at football Jono decided that the best idea would be to scarper and escape to the car that Bart’s father had bought for him.  Clearly Bart doesn’t care about the upholstery as much as he should.  Things were getting hot and heavy in the car following excitable talk of double and triple dates from Ruby until the size of the back seat played a part and Jono developed cramp which meant an awkward end to the night.  Probably a good thing as an arrest may have been forthcoming had the two carried on. Well, either an arrest or the arrivals of an internet community that enjoy watching people get up to stuff in cars in car parks.

Ruby’s luck was in the next day as she somehow had a free house despite living with around fifteen people.  She sent word to Jono who was on a mission to lose the dreaded virginity amongst the rest of the gang’s stories of losing theirs and arrived at the pub with the necessary protection and a willing however frightened expression on his face. 

Things moved fast and the two were in bed before long along with Ruby’s squeaky toys that I thought were mainly meant for dogs.  A little while later we rejoined the couple seemingly post coitus and an unhappy looking Ruby didn’t look too impressed with her beau’s performance.   Jono’s question of whether it counted or not probably didn’t help her state of mind.  Surely if it all happened too quick they could have just done it again right?  Do these soap teens have no stamina nowadays or what?

Could this be the end for loves young dream?  I wouldn’t have thought so.  They need to link Ruby and Esther up with the sixth formers in some way and everyone knows that her real obsession is with Sinead.  Ultimately in the future I can see a crazed Ruby murdering Bart and kidnapping Sinead but this could be quite a way down the road and all of the time we would still not see a change of Esther’s expression.

Elsewhere Brendan’s son Declan - who looks worryingly alike Ste - returned and shocked his substitute family with his aggressive behaviour following trouble from people mocking his father’s sexuality back home in Ireland.  Brendan didn’t help the situation by somewhat violently taking apart most of the males of the village during a game of football.    The reluctant father realised it was time for his son to go back home following harsh words from Ste, Cheryl and Lynsey and after witnessing his son take law into his own hands toward some queue jumpers at the cinema he told Declan that he was going back to his mother’s.

Finally George got over his crush to speak to Callum about a project they needed to work on together.   After initially pretending to be interested in cars George was convinced to be himself however Callum soon realised something was up with his classmates living situation and followed him back to the squat.  Mr Enigmatic did not believe the claims that it was just somewhere to hang out but agreed to keep his new friends secret.  It makes you wonder – If Callum realised that something was up so quick what is wrong with Maddy and Tilly?  Too self obsessed maybe?


Jan 10

Psycho and no dough

The girls became united this week as friendships were both built and reinforced following Nancy’s idea to start a book club to assist her newspaper column writing duties.  A relationship of a different kind was also being built at Chez chez as Ash chose Brendan as her case study for her psychological assessment and discovered the truth to gradually emerge as the week progressed.

The week also saw financial concerns for two of the village’s residents as Barney’s parents made it clear that he had been cut off in terms of money as well as the small amount of emotional interest that had been passed his way when on the return leg back to Chester his card was rejected.  This was pretty fast work by his parents i thought.  They must have pretty much woke up in the morning and had at the top of their’ to do’ list ‘cancel rebel son’s credit card.’  After hearing about Barney’s expensive education it seems a bit hard to believe that he ended up in a polytechnic college outside Chester.  Shouldn’t he have been aiming for the Oxbridge universities or at least one of those on the second tier?  He has however kept the momentum going that anyone that comes into the village with money leaves as poor as everybody else.

The other Hollyoaks occupant to feel the pinch this week was Cindy.  We learnt of Cincerity’s upcoming demise when Myra opened the post to find a few final demand statements.  Carmel had somehow managed to keep going despite not being paid for six weeks and her mother was having none of it.  Leo Valentine’s former squeeze did however have a use as she recognised the oncoming bailiff and fended them off for another day much to the pleasing of a beleaguered Cindy.

The show wasn’t over however for the McQueen’s and when it became clear that due to Cincerity’s closing Carmel was out of a job her mother decided the only way to claw back her lost earnings was to steal a load of moisturiser and some champagne before welcoming the newly formed reading club into the health club for her daughters unofficial leaving party.

When Cindy came back to find her club in a spot of female based disarray with an expensive bottle of champagne the main victim of the carnage she reacted badly and found herself in a scrap with the village’s favourite ex jailbird Jacqui.  Prior to this the former millionaire had called the police however who arrived and arrested all involved including Cindy herself who was none too pleased judging by her reaction.

The girls spent a night of revelation in the local nick which seemed more like a youth hostel.  No sign of the girl that stabbed Becka that time in fact the girls seemed to have some kind of bumper room all to themselves.  I almost expected someone to come in and tell them there were tours going on to local landmarks.    In the prison cell the girls learnt among other golden nuggets of information that Mitzeee knew a little more about the demise of Louise Summers than she had previously let on in public.  Everyone seemed very shocked.  I’m not really sure why.

The next day the girls felt no regrets and seemed to have no worries about their newfound criminal records and got back on the booze.   A seemingly night of extreme decadence ended with the girls in all sorts of compromising positions the most revealing being Jacqui finding herself in Mitzeee’s flat alongside the offer of a fry up.  I really don’t think Mitzeee’s hangover could be that bad if she is able to get up and cook bacon for someone. I can’t even look at food until late afternoon after a heavy night of drinking.

The girls met in the coffee shop feeling like they had forgotten about something major that had happened the night before.  This event was revealed to them when they heard Tony’s complaints of Cindy’s absence from her first shift at her new employers.   The harem released Cindy from her all night prison of Dodger’s van along with a newly acquired Hitler moustache which was discovered a little after arriving for her first coffee based shift.

On the other side of the village Ash spent the early part of the week searching for a personality to analyse for her psychology paper.  She identified her subject following observations of him during Barney’s failed audition at Chez Chez.  Noticing Brendan’s clear psychopathic ways and having earlier noted Ste’s comments about his former boyfriend and employer Ash took the job at the club – without an audition – and then asked Brendan if she could interview him.

How many times exactly has Ste been sacked from his various jobs?  His CV must look like a job centre vacancy board.  poor old Ste.

The first interview seemed to be going well as Ash listened to Brendan tell her a story about his old days however the accuracy of the story seemed to be disproved as she realised that in true Derren Brown style he had used the objects around him to find inspiration for names and places including a newspaper, leaflet for a 5-a-side tournament and mug.

Ash however struck it lucky the next day when she found a more vulnerable Brendan in the coffee shop.  After agreeing to another interview Brendan told the student of his adventures the night before that involved cruising for a straight man and taking on a gang of violent homophobes and coming out on top.

The first time he told the story he stated that he had left his conquest to fend for himself however when pushed further he admitted that he had gone back to help which revealed more to Ash than she ever could have hoped for.  This made it seem that Brendan had finally opened up properly for his assessor and the week ended with an outburst that showed how far he has come when he gloated about his defeat of ye olde enemy Warren and surviving prison while Ash secretly turned the camera on to record the euphoric fury being vented her way.

Elsewhere the band decided to move to London following an offer from an A&R man.  This made me a little sad as I was warming to the band a little.  Will they be back?

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Dec 26

Warren hates it when a plan doesn’t come together

Warren’s vast accumulation of misgivings during his time in the village finally came to an end this week as he was arrested following a set-up involving his nearest, dearest and worst enemy. Brendan, Mitzeee and eventually Joel combined to relieve the portly criminal of his freedom as they travelled the risky road to the resting place of Warren’s ex Louise.

The week started well for Warren as he announced plans to take Mitzeee to Las Vegas and make her the new Mrs Fox.  A Weird way to propose really.  Instead of getting down on one knee he pretty much told her they were going to get married in front of his son in the middle of the village.  They say romance is dead – I think ‘they’ have a point if we go by this example.  Also it soon became apparent that they had earlier made plans not to marry.  Wouldn’t it have been a good idea for Warren to discuss this with Mitzeee first?

As the week wore on it appeared that Warren had plans for more than a holiday in Vegas – he wanted to stay.  I’m not really sure what he planned to do out there.  The idea of Warren having a whale of a time at Walt Disney world doesn’t really work.  As much as I would like to believe that Warren would thrive in the criminal underworld of Las Vegas in reality I think the case may be that he would be working as a waiter in less than a month.

Anyway, while he had big plans of moving away in mind Warren still had big plans of disposing of Brendan and made no secret of him by warning him in the early part of the week.  Brendan replied with the maniacal stare that he worked so hard on perfecting in prison and the viewer watched on fully aware that the Irishman would most likely come out on top due to Jamie Lomas’ much publicised departure from the show.

Act one of Warren’s final days seemed to come to a head when Joel caught Brendan and Mitzeee talking in the ‘totally safe’ confines of her flat.  They attempted to persuade junior Fox that there was nothing much to it and Mitzeee attempted to claim that Brendan had been trying to stop her marrying Warren however it seemed both father and son saw through her claims which led to an attempted attack by a furious Warren stopped by Joel who was left open to the ugly side of his father’s personality.

Mitzeee escaped from the melee however she was not unscathed and her wounds were observed by an angry Brendan the next day who squared up to Warren in the village.  Separated by their allies the two backed off however it was clear that it wasn’t over.  Following this Mitzeee somehow seemed to reconcile with Warren.  She told him he could make things better by showing her Louise’s grave.  Being a man with brains Warren didn’t fall for this.  As the two embraced each other it was clear that he was concocting a brand new plan that involved a darker outcome for Mitzeee.

What was in it for Warren to show Mitzeee Louise’s grave anyway?  The plan was never going to work that well.   In the eyes of Brendan however everything seemed to be going swimmingly as he believed wrongly that he was able to detect where Mitzeee was due to an app on her phone.  Things were as suspected looking a little fishy en route to Louise’s grave however as Warren announced plans to go straight to the airport from the grave. I mean really? 

A little into the journey it became clear that to the aspiring model that she had forgotten her phone.  A seemingly helpful but in fact packing heat Joel arrived at Brendan’s with the phone to the shock of the Irishman and Nancy whose plan seemed to be falling apart.

Nancy got on the case researching possible burial grounds while Brendan travelled to the woodland area with Joel who added to the problem of heavy looking rain by pulling a gun on his driver.   Brendan managed to do his best impression of Samuel L Jackson in Pulp Fiction in the diner scene whilst explaining to the young Scotsman that he still had time to choose to go down the right path. 

It appeared that Joel had made the wrong choice as Warren received a text stating that Brendan was long gone however to the viewer it was clear that this was all part of the revised plan and Joel had realised that the trip to Paris hadn’t been paid for with an honestly earned buck.

Warren had been making Mitzeee dig her own grave in some sort of clichéd act while he took a phone call from Theresa and realised even ‘blondie’ had swapped sides.   If someone asked me to dig my grave whilst making it clear that they planned to kill me I would make a point of refusing to do it.  ‘Umm nah you’re alright thanks.  If you really want me dead you have to put the legwork in yourself.’  I’d like to think it would be someone lazy trying to kill me who would then decide it was too much hassle before taking me for a beer.

Following the phone call Brendan arrived on the scene and disclosed to a shocked Warren that he had had to dispose of his son.  This enraged Warren who went for his nemesis despite the presence of the gun that had been intended to be used for his demise and the two fought on the ground.  Warren seemed to have the upper hand – what with his greater weight advantage – and looked to strike the killer blow with a nearby rock.  Just at the right moment however who would emerge out of the darkness to thump his father with said rock?  Nobody but Joel.  Where he had been previous to this is a mystery.  Strange time to go for a piss or admire the scenery.  Maybe he saw a real fox?

The police arrived in due course and even allowed the three victors to gloat before taking Warren to a prison he can easily escape from when he fancies a return to the village.  We’ll miss you Warren.

Elsewhere Darren pleased his family by agreeing to take over the pub following Riley’s plans to move out due to the bad memories and Doug seemed to be heading to a dark place after a lonely Christmas.

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Dec 12


The intense rivalry between Brendan and Warren began to bubble toward boiling point this week as the Irishman used his rival’s nearest and dearest to get at him.  His crusade began following his discovery of Joel in the club toilets.   Interested as to why Warren’s son would be taking his leave in such a bleachy environment Brendan attempted to engage the village’s second most enigmatic teenager in some conversation regarding his past and how much his father knew about him.

While he eventually decided to reluctantly take his father’s side in the ongoing quiet war between the two club owners, Joel really took his time about it.  Surely if he’s giving Warren a chance that should include taking his side against some guy that speaks like he’s telling a ghost story 24 hours a day.  Maybe it was the fact that following finding the young Scot in the club toilet clutching a sleeping bag Brendan lent Joel a tenner. I think it was a tenner anyway.  That is not going to get you anywhere good to sleep.  Unless you call a hostel for the homeless good.

Joel told Brendan a little about his life including his time spent in prison as a juvenile offender for assault.  He elaborated on this later in the week when he explained to Theresa that he had been inside for attacking his stepdad who used to regularly beat his mother. I was hoping he would have been jailed for a more fun reason.  Maybe he had got into a fight with Ronald McDonald at a kid’s party?  This would bring up future scenarios of Ronald coming back for revenge and Joel teaming up with the hamburglar.  Just an idea.

Anyway Theresa and Joel’s new friendship which seems to be based upon the fact that they fancy each other hasn’t seemed to have caused much of a response from Will who really should be doing more to keep his girl.  Everyone knows she likes a bad boy.  I mean she might need an accomplice for when she needs to kill again.  He impressed the young mum even further this week as he aggressively warned a group of young men off Theresa that had been leering at her.

Theresa’s ex Ethan featured heavily this week as he handed himself in for the hit and run incident that left Rob in hospital.  This was following Warren’s constant remarks that he would be receiving payback for sorting the teenage detective’s car in the way of an alibi that would leave him in the clear were Brendan to come of any harm.  During a heart to heart with Liberty - who stuck to her usual routine of looking entirely confused all week- Ethan asked his other ex if she would be willing to move away from Chester if he put in a transfer.  More threats from Warren however forced his hand and he confessed all to the police.

Must be a bit embarrassing really.  Kind of like confessing to be a vegetarian when you work in a butchers or that you’re not a fan of Nike if you work in a sweatshop in the third world.  I don’t know if he mentioned Warren’s blackmail threats to the police but I’m guessing he kept quiet about those.  It will look much better if it appears that he had to give into guilt.  Considering Rob ended up alright you wouldn’t have thought he would even get a custodial sentence?

Mitzeee was added to the mix as she moved back in with Warren following her tenure with the Costello’s.  This seemed a little forced even though Warren had seemed to make an effort having painted their bedroom pink after hearing tales of how that was what the aspiring model had liked when she was young.  Helping with the decorating was Joel who reluctantly marked the Stone Roses reformation by wearing a vintage t-shirt of theirs.   I would have thought that t-shirt is one of the most valuable that Warren has considering its vintage value so a little strange that he would consign it to the decorating wardrobe.  Nevermind.

It would appear that the ever looming spectre of Louise’s demise is something that has been hanging heavier than ever before over Mitzeee.  Following a conversation with Nancy that involved her being warned off the village’s troublesome character she encountered Brendan who had overheard the two ladies conversation and thus gained some leverage that he thought could lead to his enemy’s girlfriend swapping sides.  Mitzeee stated that the situation between Brendan and Warren was destined not to have a happy ending and this could not be closer to the truth.  The outcome will unfold before our eyes over the next few weeks however if you ask me I think Warren could get closer to Louise than he ever thought he would again.

Elsewhere Frankie’s ongoing plan to turn  her house into something resembling Byker Grove progressed further this week as she invited two of ‘the band’ into her house.  This was following their revelation that two of them had been sleeping in the van.  You know what I would have told them in this scenario?  Get a job!  Also stop having band practices just in the pub – get a proper rehearsal space! 

Things didn’t go swimmingly at first.  Seemingly desperate to be best friends with Sinead Ruby stole £50 from Jack with the intention of spending it on a dress that her friend liked.  Tom however found the money under a guitar case and the case being that jack’s £50 was the only £50 in the world the guilty band member was seemingly justfully thrown out of the house.  The teen witnessed the difficult times the band were having and taking heed of Ethan’s situation owned up to her crime.  I don’t really know why Frankie and Jack don’t jut send Ruby home?  She does nothing but cause them endless problems.

Other band news involved one of them damaging his wrist the band were forced to look for a new guitarist for the gig and ended up inviting the bouncer/handyman from the SU bar to join after he revealed he was pretty handy.  I have no idea what the names of the people in the band are but have decided to nickname them ‘the one that looks a bit like Hollyoaks legend Ben’, Hat band man’, ‘Michaela’s ex’ and ‘the one that looks a bit camp.’ I hope this will be okay?

Dec 05

Who’s the daddy? Both of them actually…

There was a double dose of who’s the daddy action this week in the village as both Riley and Warren took paternity tests to find out if they were the fathers of a pair of new arrivals to the village.

Riley began the trend when he decided enough was enough and that it was time to find out if it was him or  Carl that was the father of Mercedes baby.   Mercedes spent much of the week inviting herself to the pub like some kind of rampant alcoholic with the excuse of seemingly guilt tripping Riley into caring for the child that had not yet been confirmed to be his.

Perhaps the urgency for the paternity test came with the news that a grief stricken Carl was packing up and moving to America.  He had aired the option with the intention of taking both Seth and Jason however only Jason seemed keen to ruin his education and take him up on it seemingly happy to get away from a place with such bad memories for the family.

You would have thought that Carl would want to stick around for Silas’ murder trial.  He might have even needed to give evidence for one reason or another.  I don’t think he had any plans to be a character witness for his father in law but surely he would have wanted to see justice done along with Jason who always had a strong bond with his grandfather. 

The visas and tickets were sorted exceptionally quickly and Carl and Jason were soon on their way out of the village in cab following an emotional set of farewells including Sinead getting far too teary about someone that she has never got on with particularly well.  Maybe she is the only one of the teenagers that can cry on demand?   Jason also quite harshly explained to old mucker Bart that he had no plans to return to the village and felt no need to stay in contact as he wanted to make a new start. Can you blame him?  Has anything good ever happened to Jason in Hollyoaks?  Sure he had some great kickabouts with the lads to attempt to prove his masculinity but those kind of events will always be overshadowed by the embarrassment suffered when the school sent out insensitive information with regards to his gender issues and of course the recent death of his mother.

  Riley saw the event as a chance to show his position as the bigger man by extending a handshake toward his father who gratefully accepted.  The good will however did not extend to the mother of his newly revealed child as he saw through her manipulation and following a trip to register the birth of Bobby Costello (Cool name right?!) explained how every time he closed his eyes he saw her and his father together.  Must have been tricky sleeping.  Shunting Mercedes through the door he told her that he would be in touch with regards to alimony and custody rights and bid her farewell.

You can’t really blame him.  As a young footballer he should be having a good time.  Instead he is grieving the passing of his mother and dealing with his father sleeping with the girl that he thought was the love of his life.  Grim times.  Personally I hope something nice is up the road for Riley however you get the feeling that this story has even more legs.  Also!  What happened to that house he bought that they were going to live in together?  Did he just get a refund?!  How does that work?!

The idea of fatherhood was a little different for village hard man Warren as he battled his suspicions that Joel was a part of Brendan’s much anticipated revenge plot against him following his orders to have his rival beaten during his time in prison.

Joel spent the week making friends in the village and befriended Theresa by simply looking a little forlorn following a conversation with Warren.   Is this really how it works in that kind of close knit society?  People just come up to you and start conversations with you?  Being from the south this is a totally alien concept to me however I’m completely open minded that it might happen in the north-west.  Theresa’s involvement with Joel made boyfriend Will a little jealous following his earlier claims that he had another 4,000 words of his essay to do.  What kind of polytechnic university makes you do essays that big in your first term?  I’ve seen people inconceivably come back to life in this soap but little things like this end up annoying me more.

After much soul searching and a conversation with the ever-wise Mitzeee Warren took the paternity test and discovered to his shock that he was the father of Joel after all.  Things were a little uneasy between the two following several warnings toward Joel regarding his father’s past and also events seen by his own eyes and displayed the shocking way that Warren dealt with those around him including Cheryl.  The young scot agreed however to give his father one chance.  He’s got his own page on the website which makes you think he’ll be sticking around however we thought the same thing about Becks right?

Brendan returned this week with an agenda to play mind games with the man that had succeeded in making his time in prison a living hell.  It would appear from the outset that Brendan however had different ideas to the retribution that Warren was expecting opting to shake hands and make up.  Ever the seasoned villain Warren however carried on with the idea that his nemesis was up to something and commanded Ethan to investigate what he had been up to during his absence making it clear that the teenage detective would be his alibi should he need to be rid of the Irishman. 

The much publicised departure of Warren from the soap makes it clear that things will not be going his way this time.  You would have thought that this time the village gangster will be gone for good.  Could Brendan team up with Ethan to rid Hollyoaks of its dark cloud or could there be more to Joel than meets the eye?  Only time will tell….

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Nov 28

So I debated with an axe murderer…

The mysterious figure of Callum came to the forefront this week as he became involved in something of an odd romantic scenario with posh sixth former Maddie.  The two had been reluctantly paired together in debating class due to - I’m guessing - the fact that no one wants to debate with a guy who doesn’t speak or a girl who will just look smugly back at you and think that she’s won.

As usual Callum had been reluctant to enter a conversation with Maddie having judged her for being one dimensional and materialistic.  It was only after his opponent had brought some healthy debate to the table that he really started to open up and to the shock of the rest of the sixth form group take out his earphones and engage in a bit of healthy debate.

I don’t really get what people find so interesting with Callum.  He is just some dull guy that works around the sixth form college not interacting with anyone or doing anything near interesting.  I’m surprised he wasn’t taken in for questioning when Rae was murdered.  I kind of thought it might have been him even though I saw Silas commit the murder with my own eyes.

The first skeleton entangled within Callum’s closet was released in Chez Chez at the club night that everyone seemed to be at when he left in a strop following Will’s arrival.  Will’s questioning of Callum’s demeanour brought his sister Ash to explain that it had something to do with someone called Tara but it should never really be gone into.  I can only imagine that Tara is some kind of practical joker from where they used to live who stuck that comedy tache and goatee on Callum’s face while he was sleeping with industrial glue. He hasn’t been able to get it off since and so wanders around with a look of follicle based despair.

Various sections of the community had made it to the club.  Not so lucky were the sixth former boys who were not allowed in due to the lack of girls in their entourage.  They seemed to have found an answer when the ever helpful Dodger offered to sell them a beer barrel for £80.  This seemed like a great idea until they rolled the barrel into Cincerity and realised that they had no way of getting the beer out.  A resolution was found when George- slightly miffed after being discluded from the girls night out – offered to steal a tap from the Dog.   This plan didn’t go so well as the beer was sprayed all over the place much to the supposed delight of the viewer.  Carmel better start making those ‘Carling facial’ posters sometime around now.

Inside the club it was all taking off as Maddie told the girls about psychological rules of attraction and used it to her advantage to grab the attention of newcomer Joel.  He was apparently Djing however must have had a remote control as he spent most of the night dancing with the aforementioned sixth former without a second thought with regards to matching beats.   After some heavy flirting the two of them left the club on Maddie’s order only for her to ask the DJ to call her a cab.  Upset with this outcome Joel felt the need to vent his anger toward his companion and belittled her outside the club leaving her outside in the cold.

Left out in the cold in an upset heap Maddie was discovered by Callum who at first only had unkind words towards his adversary.  The two seemed to grow closer however in seconds and were soon alone with Maddie wearing Callum’s jacket.  Personally I was hoping for some kind of Pulp Fiction reference with Maddie finding Heroin in his jacket, thinking it was cocaine and ending out having to be brought back to life with an emergency adrenalin shot however this was not to be.  Following a challenge to make her grumpy companion laugh Maddie did what can only be described as an impression of Myra after a few too many Rose’s and the veneer of the sullen teen cracked allowing Maddie to move in for the kiss.

The next day at school was filled with plenty of awkward looks between the two along with some words said between Callum and Joel following his treatment of Maddie.  Maybe this one has legs?

Gilly made an exit from the village this week as he finally realised after all this time that he in fact did rape Jacqui.  This revelation was learnt following a special episode that involved him paying Jacqui, Rhys and Terry a visit to finally talk over what had happened.  Terry seemed particularly non-pulsed over the whole thing being more interested in going for a walk than his owner’s psychological state however the three involved put their opinions across in the expected emotional manner until Jacqui dragged Gilly into her bedroom to allow him to revisit the venue of the offence. 

It was here that he remembered that night and noted the similarities to his experience with Cheryl that had involved him not wanting to partake in any sexual activity.   Once he had realised he admitted his crime to a shocked Frankie, Jack and Tom who seemed a little perturbed by the whole scenario.   He finally saw Cheryl and told her that now was the time for him to leave.  For a man that seems to have been in the village for years to hold alls doesn’t seem much however I guess most of his baggage is psychological.

Elsewhere Mitzeee walked out on Warren who seemed to be going through some sort of episode due to Brendan’s ongoing absence and Carl suggested that the Costello’s move to America for a new start.  I assume by new start he means whole new set of women?  This remains to be seen.


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Nov 22

This wouldn’t have happened with Siri!

Teenage detective Ethan found himself on the wrong side of the law this week as he was involved in a hit and run incident that left fresher Rob in hospital. In his hour of need he went to the only person he felt he could trust with this secret – Theresa.  She in turn introduced Warren to the scenario which means that the village’s gangster number one now has something on the squeaky clean copper that could keep him out of the cell that Ethan has wanted to introduce him to for some time now.

The ongoing sexual tension between Scott and Analise had led to doubts from the world weary student regarding her relationship with boyfriend Rob.  After an evening of dancing and having an usually nice time Analise decided to change her plans for the rest of the night and told Rob to meet her at the Dog so that they could talk about their relationship.  Was she about to break up with him or just let him know that he was on borrowed time?

Supposedly rushing back to speak to his girlfriend after watching football with ‘the lads’ Rob was suddenly hit by Ethan who was busy concentrating on texting every girl in his phone book instead of concentrating on the road.  As soap characters do every time they are driving and not concentrating on the road (Take note Martin Fowler) Ethan felt a bump and feared the worst.  His worries were confirmed as he got out of his car and saw a motionless body on the ground. 

Thinking fast about the ramifications this incident may have on his career, Ethan got back in his car and drove away with panic in his eyes.  I’m not really sure why he couldn’t have driven to a public phone box and called for an ambulance anonymously but there you go.  It wasn’t until Jacqui had finished at the pub that Rob wasn’t found and this was after she had initially accused him of having too much to drink.  It was lucky it wasn’t Halloween weekend as even the blood wouldn’t have been a giveaway that something more serious than a keen taste for too many Stella’s was to blame.

After feeling like she had been stood up Analise travelled back to the flat with Scott where they shared a moment before being interrupted by the police just as they were about to kiss.   Ever the conscientious girlfriend she rushed to be by his side and stayed with her neglectful love until he woke a few days later.

Ethan meanwhile was busy inventing new facial expressions for the word very worried.  In a blind panic he had told Theresa about the accident I’m guessing because she had been so open with her secrets in the past.  Maybe he felt he owed her one?  Theresa decided the best thing to do in this situation was involve Ethan’s arch enemy Warren who promised that he could get the car fixed no questions asked.  He did however promise this with a glint in his eye that seemed to suggest that he would be due a favour in the not too distant future.

Following Warren’s involvement things seemed to turn a little nasty.  I wasn’t able to see Thursdays episode due to 4od being crap but from what I can make out Ethan began to think that Theresa was going to let his secret out and decided to tell her that if it did come to light he would tell everyone about her misdemeanour – that being the murder of Calvin Valentine.  Seemed a little half baked to me.  Surely policemen aren’t supposed to hold onto secrets like murder and only tell the relevant authorities at a time of their choosing?

Warren soon heard about this and told Ethan that he wasn’t happy with the threats that were potentially being made.  He soon made the young policeman realise that he was now under his control and like most boys in blue on the TV now pretty much a fully fledged bent copper. 

There was a new arrival upon the village this week as the comedy male void left by Lee and Duncan was filled by newcomer Dennis Savage cousin of Dodger and Will.  Loved by Liberty and father Savage – whatever he is called – Dodger didn’t seem too keen on Dennis’ appearance and found him a place to stay pretty sharpish following his cousin’s claims that he could stay in the campervan.  Why is Dodger even living in that campervan?  He has a proper job.  Is rent really that expensive in Chester?

Anyway the room that Dodger found for Dennis was in Ethan’s house, also the home of the new arrival’s love interest Leanne.  Leanne didn’t seem that keen which didn’t seem to make much sense as Dennis seems to be written in the exact faux David Brent style that Lee was written but maybe she will come around.

Michaela spent the week impressing nobody as she merged the two bands of the village and appointed herself lead singer.  I thought she actually sounded fairly decent but the looks on the guy’s faces told a different story.  Have they never heard of the baby diegos?  Is that what they were called?  Who knows?

Rhys and Jacqui seemed to find a little happiness this week as she moved back into their shared flat following a moment of clarity after finding Rob.  Everything seemed to be going swimmingly until the week’s festivities ended with a knock on the door – Gilly had arrived for a chat….