Hollyblog

Dena Misses out on at least £5!

Tue, 07 Feb 2012 15:41:30 -0500

Things looked to have made a change for the better for George, Phoebe and Thunder this week as they were taken in by a kindly stranger however events took a turn for the worse when Phoebe’s worst fears were realised and her escape tactics were pushed to the max.

The week already hadn’t started well for the two as they were thrown out of their squat by two students dressed as homeless people. I assume the guys were on their way onto some wacky fancy dress theme night and were playing the method actor to get into the mood. Whatever happened they did a good job in assuring the young student that his time was up in the squat and it was time to move on to pastures new.

The situation was taking its toll on George who found himself getting into rows with both best friend Maddy and boss Frankie. Maddy had a particularly bad way with words when she claimed her friend looked like a ‘tramp’ and naturally George took umbrage at this bursting into an aggressive retort that left the queen bee in a state of shock. In between being fed rotten sandwiches a shift at the shop followed where he asked Frankie for an advance. She didn’t seem keen until she sensed there was some gossip to be heard. Her curiosity however bought the worst out of George as advised her that she should keep his nose out of his business before escaping from the shop.

The week wore on with the two homeless teenagers looking more and more desperate for a little salvation. Normally these stories evolve into one of the characters getting into drug abuse and meeting a nasty end and the dark rings around George’s eyes made you think that might have been happening already however it appeared that the story was set to go down a different route due to the arrival of a mystery woman on the scene.

The event that changed the scope of the story took place in the middle of the week as Phoebe was attacked by a mystery man with his hood up. It wasn’t really clear why he had decided to attack her however one thing that was clear was that for all the talk about her beloved dog Thunder didn’t seem particularly bothered looking the other way before exhaling a few insincere barks whilst tied up.

The rescue came in the form of a woman that had walked past the pair earlier in the day. She told the hooded man that the police were on their way which forced the assailant to make an exit. What he was after Phoebe for remained a mystery. I expect he offered her a toffee crisp or something. I don’t imagine she would take kindly to an ‘outsider’ offering her a toffee crisp.

The mystery woman asked the pair if they had enough money for a hostel that night to which George and Phoebe confirmed that they were on the streets. With this in what at the time seemed like a sheer act of kindness the woman named Dena offered the two a shower at her place. They reluctantly accepted the offer – a little strange I thought what with George’s constant refusal to entertain the idea of something similar from one of his friends – and followed Dena to her modern looking property.

Even Thunder (getting much more coverage than the under-used Terry at the moment) was treated well as they arrived at the house being fed a bowl of food from where Dena’s former pet used to eat from. I dread to think what that dog is up to now. She probably sold him to some sex mad slightly peckish Korans.

Dena coerced the pair into staying the night rather than out in the cold streets however Phoebe was still reluctant to trust following her long stint on the streets and was eager to find a reason to show George that he should also not be so quick to take kind strangers at their word.

She seemed to have found confirmation that her fears were correct when she found a book filled with pictures of young men one of which she recognised from her time on the streets. The viewer had already realised that that Deena was indeed a bad egg following a conversation with a mystery male during which she confirmed that she would be able to ‘get a good price for them’ and intimated that George was a virgin.

The revelation of the photo’s kicked Phoebe into survival mode. Checking the windows and doors she realised that her only realistic chance of escape was to pretend that all was well and appeal to the apparent dog-caring side of Dena. Her idea of taking Thunder for a walk seemed to be vetoed following a conversation with George during which she told him all about Dena’s plans for them and revealed that in her opinion ‘pimp’ was a nice word.

Once her friend had been convinced Phoebe became keener to make an escape and seemed to have been rumbled when Dena revealed Graham to be the man that had attacked her earlier in the week – it had all been a plan! Genius!

An epic escape followed with Dena really not pulling her weight as Phoebe smashed a window before wriggling free of Graham’s grip with the help of George. The campest homeless man in Chester managed to somehow block his assailant’s path to make it out the front door however could not find his friend and found himself hiding in a bush to escape more attention from Graham.

The next day after seemingly a night spent looking for Phoebe, George called Callum and was ready to report his missing compadre to the police. These plans were however put on ice when he found the friendship bracelet he had given her in the shop front where they had previously stayed. This made George believe that she was safe. But was she or will things take another turn? In the interim George agreed to stay at Callum’s house along with the lie that his place was being fumigated. A likely story.

Elsewhere Jacqui and Rhys took in a lodger who might be gay or might be straight depending on who you trust more out of Amy and Ste, Neil failed his driving test however pretended to the gang that he passed and Jono and Ruby reignited their relationship before the sixth former denied his involvement with the school girl to the rest of the gang. Unlikely.

so have Riley and seth actually left? I don’t get it! Tweet me @hollybloggg

Dr Jeckyll and hide the sausage!

Mon, 30 Jan 2012 17:05:12 -0500

Mercedes this week found herself surrounded by employment opportunities as she the public sector begin to give her some payback in the form of some good honest hard work. Oh and some cleaning.

The week started in a confusing fashion for the former wag as she awoke in a strange bedroom next to a strange man that had left a suspect bundle of cash next to his bed. This being a variation of the scenario that she has become accustomed to Mercedes took onboard the pros and cons of the situation and decided that some cash to buy some new clothes was enough to make up for the fact that she was now pretty much a prostitute. I mean a high class prostitute – I assume that she wasn’t picked up waiting on a street corner – I’m being very presumptive to predict that Mercedes was going to use the money to buy new clothes. She might have given it to a charity. This is however unlikely.

The walk of shame was an eventful one for the mother of a doomed child as she bumped into Lynsey who had it seemed picked up a job at the hospital as a cleaner. This seems a little unlikely to me. Surely the kind of incident that were to unfold this week would be commonplace if the hospital keep employing nurses as cleaners and position them around vulnerable sick people in need of medical help. Anyway being a friendly Irish type Lynsey told Mercedes that if she was in need of cash then there were jobs going at the hospital. This would seem a bit of a climb-down for anyone after being in a relationship with an up and coming footballer however for Mercedes who has always been a bit more high maintenance that the average McQueen this seemed like a slap in the face.

After initially rejecting Lynsey’s offer Mercedes had a little think about her situation and decided to take her up on the cleaning job. The next day she started her shift on the ward without any sort of interview or CRB check of any sort. Is this really the kind of situation at every hospital? This worries me a little bit. Don’t think I’ll be able to sleep next time I’m in a hospital for the fear of the equivalent of Mercedes straggling me in my sleep.

Low and behold who should she see on her first shift but her first paying customer of ‘a night with Mercedes’ who it turned out was a doctor going by the name of Dr Browning. Originally trying to hide from the surgeon who it became apparent had started the same week that Lynsey had lost her job she was spotted by the embarrassed Dr Browning who was justifiably shocked by her presence however keen for another night of passion.

In between Lynsey agonising about her dreams to get her job back – surely she should have been reinstated when it was clear that she wasn’t crazy and Silas was in fact a murderer? – Mercedes made told her friend of her creepy feeling about being surrounded by unconscious people however had no problem with befriending one of the better looking males on the ward who was badly injured. It says a lot that things have got so bad that Mercy now has to make friends with half dead vegetables whose family don’t even want resuscitated. What would Russ have to say about that? Good old Russ.

Things went from bad to worse for Mercedes quiet new friend as the next day he went into trauma and with no doctors nearby Lynsey stepped into the breach and saved him from the brink. The happiness didn’t last long for the cleaner however as Dr Browning turned into Dr Brown-trousers and told her in startling terms that the patient was DNR meaning do not resuscitate and that he was in big trouble. It became clear that the doctor had forgotten to write this note on the patients records and his way out of trouble was to blame Lynsey and make sure that she never got a job back at the hospital.

This led to a series of agonising from Lynsey that her days as a cleaner would in fact be longer than she planned however this wasn’t Mercedes first barbecue and she put her favourite blackmailing shoes on warning Dr Browning that if he told anyone about what had happened everyone at the hospital would find out about his penchant for paying for sex and sent him a warning by scribbling graffiti on his shirt.

It seemed like the cocky doctor had had his comeuppance and attempted to persuade Mercedes that the two of them were like peas in a pod during another expensive rendezvous however the week was slightly turned on its head when Mercedes unconscious mate awoke to be greeted by a grateful girlfriend. You could clearly see the unhappiness in Mercedes eyes as she saw the loss of a chance to make some more quick money disappear. Oh well you can’t win them all. I’m not sure if this is the last we’ll see of Dr Browning. Personally I would love to see a Harold Shipman-esque storyline come around.

Elsewhere Darren went full steam ahead on planning Nancy’s dream wedding with the help of Cindy who following a few choice words with Nancy made a decision to do all she can to ruin the big day. Darren later faced his biggest temptation as Brendan took him to a casino for a function to meet some contacts. Luckily the D-man resisted temptation and told his fiancé about his indiscretion before being congratulated on his mental strength for not splashing the cash on the tables.

The students had a varying week as Neil somehow passed his driving test, Tilly got stressed about her exams and after somehow finding the money for a night out George came back to the squat to find it had been overrun by a couple of students dressed as homeless people.

Is anyone else finding 4od crazy slow at the moment? tweet me @hollybloggg

Hollyoaks: A life on the street

Mon, 23 Jan 2012 17:07:01 -0500

George’s living arrangements became even more of an issue this week as Callum became concerned for his friends health and the effects that the lack of medical attention and poor conditions in the squat were having. Elsewhere Dennis reluctantly cast aside his obsession with Leanne and upped sticks to Mumbai to teach Indian people about mobile phones or something.

This week also saw the introduction of a new character. Phoebe is the typical homeless soap stereotype. Seemingly thrown out of her home by her parents for being an amazing whiny little twat she refers to people that aren’t homeless to ‘outsiders’ and likes to constantly reassure George that they are better off without the help of others. She is very friendly with her dog that might be called Buster. I’m a little worried that she is a little over-friendly with the dog but I suppose this won’t be confirmed until at least the next episode of Hollyoaks later.

The week began with a stressed George imploring Callum not to tell anyone about his life in the squat. It was soon revealed that he had been living there since his parents threw him out for being a massive gay. Now is it just me or does this seem a little unlikely in 2012? Or 2011 or whenever they threw him out. Also does he not have any relatives that he could stay with? Also why is he so embarrassed about telling his friends? Surely them knowing that your parents are bigots isn’t as bad as sleeping in a squat with a Manc bestiality fan?

To illustrate to his friend how his nights were spent George challenged Callum to sleep over at the flat. This seemed to go okay apart from Phoebe going out in the middle of the night – I expect the dog was feeling a little amorous – and the two left for college as normal. Things however got a little bit tangled as Callum’s mother made an inquisitive debut and asked her son where he had spent the night before assuming he had been with the returning Maddie. This led to the sequence of Callum forgetting his phone and Ash handing it to Maddie with a knowing comment about the previous nights activities which rightly confused the queen bee who became more and more confounded by her boyfriends even more than usual enigmatic mood.

In between shoplifting sessions that George did not approve of, Phoebe spent the week looking for things to steal in her own flat and when she saw Callum’s watch there for the taking she didn’t think twice before pocketing it. This watch had been given to Callum by Maddie who had lavished gifts on everyone following her return from holiday. Instead of handing over something useful like a massive bag of pasta to George she gave him a snow globe. Not gona get much money for that on ebay.

When Callum realised that his watch was missing from his wrist he asked George if he had seen it lying around in the squat. Unfortunately the future big issue seller took this badly and blasted his friend wrongly believing that Phoebe had been right about the ‘outsiders’ and the way that they think about those less fortunate than them. After spurning the opportunity to spend the night at Callum’s to get over a nasty cough George returned to the squat only to discover that the watch had in fact been stolen by his old mucker Phoebe. This led to him asking if he could stay over – seeing his chance to smuggle the watch back – however Callum was quicker than he had anticipated in fetching the tissues (ooh er) and caught him in the act.

The next day involved much fretting from Maddie who decided to invite herself over to Callum’s after agonising to Tilly that they still hadn’t closed the deal so to speak. After a chat with Callum’s mother, who might be some sort of chirpy east end escort, the two looked to be getting down to business however Callum was clearly distracted by his phone and received a text from George asking if he could stay over after all. Strangely shocked that Maddie would be at her boyfriend’s house George alarmingly told Callum that she could not know about his situation to which an understanding Callum agreed only to discover that his girlfriend had became wary of his enigmatic ways and left.

Hopefully we’ll have a happy ending here. By a happy ending I mean Buster (If that is the dog’s name) gets Phoebe pregnant and they sell the half human half dog babies and make lots of money. I think this would make everyone happy.

Elsewhere the strangest story for a while occurred involving Jono as he searched for a woman in an ancient picture. He eventually discovered it to be Myra McQueen who was only too happy to be ogled and pictured which won the bet for Ruby’s new man.

Dennis had a headlining story this week as he debated whether he should travel to Mumbai for his job. His reluctance led to his family members staging a ‘Leanntervention’ which involved them telling him over and over again that Lee Hunter’s ex girlfriend wasn’t interested. I find it a little weird that she isn’t considering Lee and Dennis are so similar personality wise. In some ways Dennis is like funnier version of Lee. Anyway Dennis eventually set off on his travels for two months following a lovely party thrown by his housemates. It probably would have been a bit rowdier but when you have Brendan in the flat next door you tend to behave.

Elsewhere Lynsey revealed she is being pestered for sex by Jesse Metcalf (maybe) and Terry attempted to steal George’s thunder by taking a trip to the vets.

I just read that Phoebe’s dog is called Thunder. Nevermind. Follow @hollybloggg on twitter

Lust is in the air...Not you Brendan!

Mon, 16 Jan 2012 17:22:33 -0500

Awkward teenage love was in the air this week as Ruby threw out her love net and entangled virgin sixth former Jono within it much to the surprise of his friends. This week also saw the return of Brendan’s son Declan whose reappearance threw a spanner into the works just when the Irishman thought he had everything in his life under control.

The scene was set at the beginning of the week for what Ruby hoped would be the party of the year at the Dog. By the scene was set I mean Frankie had put on a good spread and the pub was open. The other ingredients including other people and an atmosphere were sadly lacking. Apart from Ricky that is who made a fleeting appearance to present the birthday girl with her present and make an awkward comment about Esther’s gift of a token.

The sixth formers meanwhile had congregated together for the evening – minus for some reason I didn’t catch Tilly and Maddy – and in need of food came up with the bright idea of someone going into the party and making off with some of the buffet. The person elected with the job was Jono however it seemed he was too nice for the task of avoiding the unhappy birthday girl and approached a distraught looking Ruby. After a few minutes of playing the nice guy and comforting the unpopular school girl he was being led into the pub and after a little while was kissing her seemingly in full view of her surrogate family.

Soon enough the rest of the gang turned up somewhat shocked to see their mate in the clutches of a girl in the year below and acted along that they had also turned up on the hope of a night out rather than some left over sandwiches. Ruby romanticised about the arrival of the gang the next day school to Esther while Jono was roundly mocked for his apparent love struck mood.

The two came across each other the next day and Ruby being the more experience one in these sorts of things following her adventures with Ricky made the big move and asked Jono if he wanted to go out. Desperate to lose his virginity at some point the flustered teen agreed and they agreed to meet at the pub the next day.

So the date was set and following some awkward man to man talk with Jack in the toilets following an attempt the use the condom machine and a spot of trouble at the urinal the two were given a lift to the cinema. All was going well – unless you were sitting behind Ruby’s massive hair - until Jono caught the eye of fellow film fan Brendan who had bought son Declan to see a movie. Following the sight of the man that had injured him the previous day at football Jono decided that the best idea would be to scarper and escape to the car that Bart’s father had bought for him. Clearly Bart doesn’t care about the upholstery as much as he should. Things were getting hot and heavy in the car following excitable talk of double and triple dates from Ruby until the size of the back seat played a part and Jono developed cramp which meant an awkward end to the night. Probably a good thing as an arrest may have been forthcoming had the two carried on. Well, either an arrest or the arrivals of an internet community that enjoy watching people get up to stuff in cars in car parks.

Ruby’s luck was in the next day as she somehow had a free house despite living with around fifteen people. She sent word to Jono who was on a mission to lose the dreaded virginity amongst the rest of the gang’s stories of losing theirs and arrived at the pub with the necessary protection and a willing however frightened expression on his face.

Things moved fast and the two were in bed before long along with Ruby’s squeaky toys that I thought were mainly meant for dogs. A little while later we rejoined the couple seemingly post coitus and an unhappy looking Ruby didn’t look too impressed with her beau’s performance. Jono’s question of whether it counted or not probably didn’t help her state of mind. Surely if it all happened too quick they could have just done it again right? Do these soap teens have no stamina nowadays or what?

Could this be the end for loves young dream? I wouldn’t have thought so. They need to link Ruby and Esther up with the sixth formers in some way and everyone knows that her real obsession is with Sinead. Ultimately in the future I can see a crazed Ruby murdering Bart and kidnapping Sinead but this could be quite a way down the road and all of the time we would still not see a change of Esther’s expression.

Elsewhere Brendan’s son Declan - who looks worryingly alike Ste - returned and shocked his substitute family with his aggressive behaviour following trouble from people mocking his father’s sexuality back home in Ireland. Brendan didn’t help the situation by somewhat violently taking apart most of the males of the village during a game of football. The reluctant father realised it was time for his son to go back home following harsh words from Ste, Cheryl and Lynsey and after witnessing his son take law into his own hands toward some queue jumpers at the cinema he told Declan that he was going back to his mother’s.

Finally George got over his crush to speak to Callum about a project they needed to work on together. After initially pretending to be interested in cars George was convinced to be himself however Callum soon realised something was up with his classmates living situation and followed him back to the squat. Mr Enigmatic did not believe the claims that it was just somewhere to hang out but agreed to keep his new friends secret. It makes you wonder – If Callum realised that something was up so quick what is wrong with Maddy and Tilly? Too self obsessed maybe?

Psycho and no dough

Tue, 10 Jan 2012 16:25:22 -0500

The girls became united this week as friendships were both built and reinforced following Nancy’s idea to start a book club to assist her newspaper column writing duties. A relationship of a different kind was also being built at Chez chez as Ash chose Brendan as her case study for her psychological assessment and discovered the truth to gradually emerge as the week progressed.

The week also saw financial concerns for two of the village’s residents as Barney’s parents made it clear that he had been cut off in terms of money as well as the small amount of emotional interest that had been passed his way when on the return leg back to Chester his card was rejected. This was pretty fast work by his parents i thought. They must have pretty much woke up in the morning and had at the top of their’ to do’ list ‘cancel rebel son’s credit card.’ After hearing about Barney’s expensive education it seems a bit hard to believe that he ended up in a polytechnic college outside Chester. Shouldn’t he have been aiming for the Oxbridge universities or at least one of those on the second tier? He has however kept the momentum going that anyone that comes into the village with money leaves as poor as everybody else.

The other Hollyoaks occupant to feel the pinch this week was Cindy. We learnt of Cincerity’s upcoming demise when Myra opened the post to find a few final demand statements. Carmel had somehow managed to keep going despite not being paid for six weeks and her mother was having none of it. Leo Valentine’s former squeeze did however have a use as she recognised the oncoming bailiff and fended them off for another day much to the pleasing of a beleaguered Cindy.

The show wasn’t over however for the McQueen’s and when it became clear that due to Cincerity’s closing Carmel was out of a job her mother decided the only way to claw back her lost earnings was to steal a load of moisturiser and some champagne before welcoming the newly formed reading club into the health club for her daughters unofficial leaving party.

When Cindy came back to find her club in a spot of female based disarray with an expensive bottle of champagne the main victim of the carnage she reacted badly and found herself in a scrap with the village’s favourite ex jailbird Jacqui. Prior to this the former millionaire had called the police however who arrived and arrested all involved including Cindy herself who was none too pleased judging by her reaction.

The girls spent a night of revelation in the local nick which seemed more like a youth hostel. No sign of the girl that stabbed Becka that time in fact the girls seemed to have some kind of bumper room all to themselves. I almost expected someone to come in and tell them there were tours going on to local landmarks. In the prison cell the girls learnt among other golden nuggets of information that Mitzeee knew a little more about the demise of Louise Summers than she had previously let on in public. Everyone seemed very shocked. I’m not really sure why.

The next day the girls felt no regrets and seemed to have no worries about their newfound criminal records and got back on the booze. A seemingly night of extreme decadence ended with the girls in all sorts of compromising positions the most revealing being Jacqui finding herself in Mitzeee’s flat alongside the offer of a fry up. I really don’t think Mitzeee’s hangover could be that bad if she is able to get up and cook bacon for someone. I can’t even look at food until late afternoon after a heavy night of drinking.

The girls met in the coffee shop feeling like they had forgotten about something major that had happened the night before. This event was revealed to them when they heard Tony’s complaints of Cindy’s absence from her first shift at her new employers. The harem released Cindy from her all night prison of Dodger’s van along with a newly acquired Hitler moustache which was discovered a little after arriving for her first coffee based shift.

On the other side of the village Ash spent the early part of the week searching for a personality to analyse for her psychology paper. She identified her subject following observations of him during Barney’s failed audition at Chez Chez. Noticing Brendan’s clear psychopathic ways and having earlier noted Ste’s comments about his former boyfriend and employer Ash took the job at the club – without an audition – and then asked Brendan if she could interview him.

How many times exactly has Ste been sacked from his various jobs? His CV must look like a job centre vacancy board. poor old Ste.

The first interview seemed to be going well as Ash listened to Brendan tell her a story about his old days however the accuracy of the story seemed to be disproved as she realised that in true Derren Brown style he had used the objects around him to find inspiration for names and places including a newspaper, leaflet for a 5-a-side tournament and mug.

Ash however struck it lucky the next day when she found a more vulnerable Brendan in the coffee shop. After agreeing to another interview Brendan told the student of his adventures the night before that involved cruising for a straight man and taking on a gang of violent homophobes and coming out on top.

The first time he told the story he stated that he had left his conquest to fend for himself however when pushed further he admitted that he had gone back to help which revealed more to Ash than she ever could have hoped for. This made it seem that Brendan had finally opened up properly for his assessor and the week ended with an outburst that showed how far he has come when he gloated about his defeat of ye olde enemy Warren and surviving prison while Ash secretly turned the camera on to record the euphoric fury being vented her way.

Elsewhere the band decided to move to London following an offer from an A&R man. This made me a little sad as I was warming to the band a little. Will they be back?

Follow @hollybloggg on twitter.

Warren hates it when a plan doesn't come together

Mon, 26 Dec 2011 19:10:15 -0500

Warren’s vast accumulation of misgivings during his time in the village finally came to an end this week as he was arrested following a set-up involving his nearest, dearest and worst enemy. Brendan, Mitzeee and eventually Joel combined to relieve the portly criminal of his freedom as they travelled the risky road to the resting place of Warren’s ex Louise.

The week started well for Warren as he announced plans to take Mitzeee to Las Vegas and make her the new Mrs Fox. A Weird way to propose really. Instead of getting down on one knee he pretty much told her they were going to get married in front of his son in the middle of the village. They say romance is dead – I think ‘they’ have a point if we go by this example. Also it soon became apparent that they had earlier made plans not to marry. Wouldn’t it have been a good idea for Warren to discuss this with Mitzeee first?

As the week wore on it appeared that Warren had plans for more than a holiday in Vegas – he wanted to stay. I’m not really sure what he planned to do out there. The idea of Warren having a whale of a time at Walt Disney world doesn’t really work. As much as I would like to believe that Warren would thrive in the criminal underworld of Las Vegas in reality I think the case may be that he would be working as a waiter in less than a month.

Anyway, while he had big plans of moving away in mind Warren still had big plans of disposing of Brendan and made no secret of him by warning him in the early part of the week. Brendan replied with the maniacal stare that he worked so hard on perfecting in prison and the viewer watched on fully aware that the Irishman would most likely come out on top due to Jamie Lomas’ much publicised departure from the show.

Act one of Warren’s final days seemed to come to a head when Joel caught Brendan and Mitzeee talking in the ‘totally safe’ confines of her flat. They attempted to persuade junior Fox that there was nothing much to it and Mitzeee attempted to claim that Brendan had been trying to stop her marrying Warren however it seemed both father and son saw through her claims which led to an attempted attack by a furious Warren stopped by Joel who was left open to the ugly side of his father’s personality.

Mitzeee escaped from the melee however she was not unscathed and her wounds were observed by an angry Brendan the next day who squared up to Warren in the village. Separated by their allies the two backed off however it was clear that it wasn’t over. Following this Mitzeee somehow seemed to reconcile with Warren. She told him he could make things better by showing her Louise’s grave. Being a man with brains Warren didn’t fall for this. As the two embraced each other it was clear that he was concocting a brand new plan that involved a darker outcome for Mitzeee.

What was in it for Warren to show Mitzeee Louise’s grave anyway? The plan was never going to work that well. In the eyes of Brendan however everything seemed to be going swimmingly as he believed wrongly that he was able to detect where Mitzeee was due to an app on her phone. Things were as suspected looking a little fishy en route to Louise’s grave however as Warren announced plans to go straight to the airport from the grave. I mean really?

A little into the journey it became clear that to the aspiring model that she had forgotten her phone. A seemingly helpful but in fact packing heat Joel arrived at Brendan’s with the phone to the shock of the Irishman and Nancy whose plan seemed to be falling apart.

Nancy got on the case researching possible burial grounds while Brendan travelled to the woodland area with Joel who added to the problem of heavy looking rain by pulling a gun on his driver. Brendan managed to do his best impression of Samuel L Jackson in Pulp Fiction in the diner scene whilst explaining to the young Scotsman that he still had time to choose to go down the right path.

It appeared that Joel had made the wrong choice as Warren received a text stating that Brendan was long gone however to the viewer it was clear that this was all part of the revised plan and Joel had realised that the trip to Paris hadn’t been paid for with an honestly earned buck.

Warren had been making Mitzeee dig her own grave in some sort of clichéd act while he took a phone call from Theresa and realised even ‘blondie’ had swapped sides. If someone asked me to dig my grave whilst making it clear that they planned to kill me I would make a point of refusing to do it. ‘Umm nah you’re alright thanks. If you really want me dead you have to put the legwork in yourself.’ I’d like to think it would be someone lazy trying to kill me who would then decide it was too much hassle before taking me for a beer.

Following the phone call Brendan arrived on the scene and disclosed to a shocked Warren that he had had to dispose of his son. This enraged Warren who went for his nemesis despite the presence of the gun that had been intended to be used for his demise and the two fought on the ground. Warren seemed to have the upper hand – what with his greater weight advantage – and looked to strike the killer blow with a nearby rock. Just at the right moment however who would emerge out of the darkness to thump his father with said rock? Nobody but Joel. Where he had been previous to this is a mystery. Strange time to go for a piss or admire the scenery. Maybe he saw a real fox?

The police arrived in due course and even allowed the three victors to gloat before taking Warren to a prison he can easily escape from when he fancies a return to the village. We’ll miss you Warren.

Elsewhere Darren pleased his family by agreeing to take over the pub following Riley’s plans to move out due to the bad memories and Doug seemed to be heading to a dark place after a lonely Christmas.

Follow @hollybloggg on twitter

Foxhunting

Mon, 12 Dec 2011 14:02:28 -0500

The intense rivalry between Brendan and Warren began to bubble toward boiling point this week as the Irishman used his rival’s nearest and dearest to get at him. His crusade began following his discovery of Joel in the club toilets. Interested as to why Warren’s son would be taking his leave in such a bleachy environment Brendan attempted to engage the village’s second most enigmatic teenager in some conversation regarding his past and how much his father knew about him.

While he eventually decided to reluctantly take his father’s side in the ongoing quiet war between the two club owners, Joel really took his time about it. Surely if he’s giving Warren a chance that should include taking his side against some guy that speaks like he’s telling a ghost story 24 hours a day. Maybe it was the fact that following finding the young Scot in the club toilet clutching a sleeping bag Brendan lent Joel a tenner. I think it was a tenner anyway. That is not going to get you anywhere good to sleep. Unless you call a hostel for the homeless good.

Joel told Brendan a little about his life including his time spent in prison as a juvenile offender for assault. He elaborated on this later in the week when he explained to Theresa that he had been inside for attacking his stepdad who used to regularly beat his mother. I was hoping he would have been jailed for a more fun reason. Maybe he had got into a fight with Ronald McDonald at a kid’s party? This would bring up future scenarios of Ronald coming back for revenge and Joel teaming up with the hamburglar. Just an idea.

Anyway Theresa and Joel’s new friendship which seems to be based upon the fact that they fancy each other hasn’t seemed to have caused much of a response from Will who really should be doing more to keep his girl. Everyone knows she likes a bad boy. I mean she might need an accomplice for when she needs to kill again. He impressed the young mum even further this week as he aggressively warned a group of young men off Theresa that had been leering at her.

Theresa’s ex Ethan featured heavily this week as he handed himself in for the hit and run incident that left Rob in hospital. This was following Warren’s constant remarks that he would be receiving payback for sorting the teenage detective’s car in the way of an alibi that would leave him in the clear were Brendan to come of any harm. During a heart to heart with Liberty - who stuck to her usual routine of looking entirely confused all week- Ethan asked his other ex if she would be willing to move away from Chester if he put in a transfer. More threats from Warren however forced his hand and he confessed all to the police.

Must be a bit embarrassing really. Kind of like confessing to be a vegetarian when you work in a butchers or that you’re not a fan of Nike if you work in a sweatshop in the third world. I don’t know if he mentioned Warren’s blackmail threats to the police but I’m guessing he kept quiet about those. It will look much better if it appears that he had to give into guilt. Considering Rob ended up alright you wouldn’t have thought he would even get a custodial sentence?

Mitzeee was added to the mix as she moved back in with Warren following her tenure with the Costello’s. This seemed a little forced even though Warren had seemed to make an effort having painted their bedroom pink after hearing tales of how that was what the aspiring model had liked when she was young. Helping with the decorating was Joel who reluctantly marked the Stone Roses reformation by wearing a vintage t-shirt of theirs. I would have thought that t-shirt is one of the most valuable that Warren has considering its vintage value so a little strange that he would consign it to the decorating wardrobe. Nevermind.

It would appear that the ever looming spectre of Louise’s demise is something that has been hanging heavier than ever before over Mitzeee. Following a conversation with Nancy that involved her being warned off the village’s troublesome character she encountered Brendan who had overheard the two ladies conversation and thus gained some leverage that he thought could lead to his enemy’s girlfriend swapping sides. Mitzeee stated that the situation between Brendan and Warren was destined not to have a happy ending and this could not be closer to the truth. The outcome will unfold before our eyes over the next few weeks however if you ask me I think Warren could get closer to Louise than he ever thought he would again.

Elsewhere Frankie’s ongoing plan to turn her house into something resembling Byker Grove progressed further this week as she invited two of ‘the band’ into her house. This was following their revelation that two of them had been sleeping in the van. You know what I would have told them in this scenario? Get a job! Also stop having band practices just in the pub – get a proper rehearsal space!

Things didn’t go swimmingly at first. Seemingly desperate to be best friends with Sinead Ruby stole £50 from Jack with the intention of spending it on a dress that her friend liked. Tom however found the money under a guitar case and the case being that jack’s £50 was the only £50 in the world the guilty band member was seemingly justfully thrown out of the house. The teen witnessed the difficult times the band were having and taking heed of Ethan’s situation owned up to her crime. I don’t really know why Frankie and Jack don’t jut send Ruby home? She does nothing but cause them endless problems.

Other band news involved one of them damaging his wrist the band were forced to look for a new guitarist for the gig and ended up inviting the bouncer/handyman from the SU bar to join after he revealed he was pretty handy. I have no idea what the names of the people in the band are but have decided to nickname them ‘the one that looks a bit like Hollyoaks legend Ben’, Hat band man’, ‘Michaela’s ex’ and ‘the one that looks a bit camp.’ I hope this will be okay?

Who's the daddy? Both of them actually...

Mon, 05 Dec 2011 16:39:29 -0500

There was a double dose of who’s the daddy action this week in the village as both Riley and Warren took paternity tests to find out if they were the fathers of a pair of new arrivals to the village.

Riley began the trend when he decided enough was enough and that it was time to find out if it was him or Carl that was the father of Mercedes baby. Mercedes spent much of the week inviting herself to the pub like some kind of rampant alcoholic with the excuse of seemingly guilt tripping Riley into caring for the child that had not yet been confirmed to be his.

Perhaps the urgency for the paternity test came with the news that a grief stricken Carl was packing up and moving to America. He had aired the option with the intention of taking both Seth and Jason however only Jason seemed keen to ruin his education and take him up on it seemingly happy to get away from a place with such bad memories for the family.

You would have thought that Carl would want to stick around for Silas’ murder trial. He might have even needed to give evidence for one reason or another. I don’t think he had any plans to be a character witness for his father in law but surely he would have wanted to see justice done along with Jason who always had a strong bond with his grandfather.

The visas and tickets were sorted exceptionally quickly and Carl and Jason were soon on their way out of the village in cab following an emotional set of farewells including Sinead getting far too teary about someone that she has never got on with particularly well. Maybe she is the only one of the teenagers that can cry on demand? Jason also quite harshly explained to old mucker Bart that he had no plans to return to the village and felt no need to stay in contact as he wanted to make a new start. Can you blame him? Has anything good ever happened to Jason in Hollyoaks? Sure he had some great kickabouts with the lads to attempt to prove his masculinity but those kind of events will always be overshadowed by the embarrassment suffered when the school sent out insensitive information with regards to his gender issues and of course the recent death of his mother.

Riley saw the event as a chance to show his position as the bigger man by extending a handshake toward his father who gratefully accepted. The good will however did not extend to the mother of his newly revealed child as he saw through her manipulation and following a trip to register the birth of Bobby Costello (Cool name right?!) explained how every time he closed his eyes he saw her and his father together. Must have been tricky sleeping. Shunting Mercedes through the door he told her that he would be in touch with regards to alimony and custody rights and bid her farewell.

You can’t really blame him. As a young footballer he should be having a good time. Instead he is grieving the passing of his mother and dealing with his father sleeping with the girl that he thought was the love of his life. Grim times. Personally I hope something nice is up the road for Riley however you get the feeling that this story has even more legs. Also! What happened to that house he bought that they were going to live in together? Did he just get a refund?! How does that work?!

The idea of fatherhood was a little different for village hard man Warren as he battled his suspicions that Joel was a part of Brendan’s much anticipated revenge plot against him following his orders to have his rival beaten during his time in prison.

Joel spent the week making friends in the village and befriended Theresa by simply looking a little forlorn following a conversation with Warren. Is this really how it works in that kind of close knit society? People just come up to you and start conversations with you? Being from the south this is a totally alien concept to me however I’m completely open minded that it might happen in the north-west. Theresa’s involvement with Joel made boyfriend Will a little jealous following his earlier claims that he had another 4,000 words of his essay to do. What kind of polytechnic university makes you do essays that big in your first term? I’ve seen people inconceivably come back to life in this soap but little things like this end up annoying me more.

After much soul searching and a conversation with the ever-wise Mitzeee Warren took the paternity test and discovered to his shock that he was the father of Joel after all. Things were a little uneasy between the two following several warnings toward Joel regarding his father’s past and also events seen by his own eyes and displayed the shocking way that Warren dealt with those around him including Cheryl. The young scot agreed however to give his father one chance. He’s got his own page on the website which makes you think he’ll be sticking around however we thought the same thing about Becks right?

Brendan returned this week with an agenda to play mind games with the man that had succeeded in making his time in prison a living hell. It would appear from the outset that Brendan however had different ideas to the retribution that Warren was expecting opting to shake hands and make up. Ever the seasoned villain Warren however carried on with the idea that his nemesis was up to something and commanded Ethan to investigate what he had been up to during his absence making it clear that the teenage detective would be his alibi should he need to be rid of the Irishman.

The much publicised departure of Warren from the soap makes it clear that things will not be going his way this time. You would have thought that this time the village gangster will be gone for good. Could Brendan team up with Ethan to rid Hollyoaks of its dark cloud or could there be more to Joel than meets the eye? Only time will tell….

Follow @hollybloggg on twitter

So I debated with an axe murderer...

Mon, 28 Nov 2011 14:57:14 -0500

The mysterious figure of Callum came to the forefront this week as he became involved in something of an odd romantic scenario with posh sixth former Maddie. The two had been reluctantly paired together in debating class due to - I’m guessing - the fact that no one wants to debate with a guy who doesn’t speak or a girl who will just look smugly back at you and think that she’s won.

As usual Callum had been reluctant to enter a conversation with Maddie having judged her for being one dimensional and materialistic. It was only after his opponent had brought some healthy debate to the table that he really started to open up and to the shock of the rest of the sixth form group take out his earphones and engage in a bit of healthy debate.

I don’t really get what people find so interesting with Callum. He is just some dull guy that works around the sixth form college not interacting with anyone or doing anything near interesting. I’m surprised he wasn’t taken in for questioning when Rae was murdered. I kind of thought it might have been him even though I saw Silas commit the murder with my own eyes.

The first skeleton entangled within Callum’s closet was released in Chez Chez at the club night that everyone seemed to be at when he left in a strop following Will’s arrival. Will’s questioning of Callum’s demeanour brought his sister Ash to explain that it had something to do with someone called Tara but it should never really be gone into. I can only imagine that Tara is some kind of practical joker from where they used to live who stuck that comedy tache and goatee on Callum’s face while he was sleeping with industrial glue. He hasn’t been able to get it off since and so wanders around with a look of follicle based despair.

Various sections of the community had made it to the club. Not so lucky were the sixth former boys who were not allowed in due to the lack of girls in their entourage. They seemed to have found an answer when the ever helpful Dodger offered to sell them a beer barrel for £80. This seemed like a great idea until they rolled the barrel into Cincerity and realised that they had no way of getting the beer out. A resolution was found when George- slightly miffed after being discluded from the girls night out – offered to steal a tap from the Dog. This plan didn’t go so well as the beer was sprayed all over the place much to the supposed delight of the viewer. Carmel better start making those ‘Carling facial’ posters sometime around now.

Inside the club it was all taking off as Maddie told the girls about psychological rules of attraction and used it to her advantage to grab the attention of newcomer Joel. He was apparently Djing however must have had a remote control as he spent most of the night dancing with the aforementioned sixth former without a second thought with regards to matching beats. After some heavy flirting the two of them left the club on Maddie’s order only for her to ask the DJ to call her a cab. Upset with this outcome Joel felt the need to vent his anger toward his companion and belittled her outside the club leaving her outside in the cold.

Left out in the cold in an upset heap Maddie was discovered by Callum who at first only had unkind words towards his adversary. The two seemed to grow closer however in seconds and were soon alone with Maddie wearing Callum’s jacket. Personally I was hoping for some kind of Pulp Fiction reference with Maddie finding Heroin in his jacket, thinking it was cocaine and ending out having to be brought back to life with an emergency adrenalin shot however this was not to be. Following a challenge to make her grumpy companion laugh Maddie did what can only be described as an impression of Myra after a few too many Rose’s and the veneer of the sullen teen cracked allowing Maddie to move in for the kiss.

The next day at school was filled with plenty of awkward looks between the two along with some words said between Callum and Joel following his treatment of Maddie. Maybe this one has legs?

Gilly made an exit from the village this week as he finally realised after all this time that he in fact did rape Jacqui. This revelation was learnt following a special episode that involved him paying Jacqui, Rhys and Terry a visit to finally talk over what had happened. Terry seemed particularly non-pulsed over the whole thing being more interested in going for a walk than his owner’s psychological state however the three involved put their opinions across in the expected emotional manner until Jacqui dragged Gilly into her bedroom to allow him to revisit the venue of the offence.

It was here that he remembered that night and noted the similarities to his experience with Cheryl that had involved him not wanting to partake in any sexual activity. Once he had realised he admitted his crime to a shocked Frankie, Jack and Tom who seemed a little perturbed by the whole scenario. He finally saw Cheryl and told her that now was the time for him to leave. For a man that seems to have been in the village for years to hold alls doesn’t seem much however I guess most of his baggage is psychological.

Elsewhere Mitzeee walked out on Warren who seemed to be going through some sort of episode due to Brendan’s ongoing absence and Carl suggested that the Costello’s move to America for a new start. I assume by new start he means whole new set of women? This remains to be seen.

Follow @hollybloggg on twitter

This wouldn't have happened with Siri!

Tue, 22 Nov 2011 15:08:00 -0500

Teenage detective Ethan found himself on the wrong side of the law this week as he was involved in a hit and run incident that left fresher Rob in hospital. In his hour of need he went to the only person he felt he could trust with this secret – Theresa. She in turn introduced Warren to the scenario which means that the village’s gangster number one now has something on the squeaky clean copper that could keep him out of the cell that Ethan has wanted to introduce him to for some time now.

The ongoing sexual tension between Scott and Analise had led to doubts from the world weary student regarding her relationship with boyfriend Rob. After an evening of dancing and having an usually nice time Analise decided to change her plans for the rest of the night and told Rob to meet her at the Dog so that they could talk about their relationship. Was she about to break up with him or just let him know that he was on borrowed time?

Supposedly rushing back to speak to his girlfriend after watching football with ‘the lads’ Rob was suddenly hit by Ethan who was busy concentrating on texting every girl in his phone book instead of concentrating on the road. As soap characters do every time they are driving and not concentrating on the road (Take note Martin Fowler) Ethan felt a bump and feared the worst. His worries were confirmed as he got out of his car and saw a motionless body on the ground.

Thinking fast about the ramifications this incident may have on his career, Ethan got back in his car and drove away with panic in his eyes. I’m not really sure why he couldn’t have driven to a public phone box and called for an ambulance anonymously but there you go. It wasn’t until Jacqui had finished at the pub that Rob wasn’t found and this was after she had initially accused him of having too much to drink. It was lucky it wasn’t Halloween weekend as even the blood wouldn’t have been a giveaway that something more serious than a keen taste for too many Stella’s was to blame.

After feeling like she had been stood up Analise travelled back to the flat with Scott where they shared a moment before being interrupted by the police just as they were about to kiss. Ever the conscientious girlfriend she rushed to be by his side and stayed with her neglectful love until he woke a few days later.

Ethan meanwhile was busy inventing new facial expressions for the word very worried. In a blind panic he had told Theresa about the accident I’m guessing because she had been so open with her secrets in the past. Maybe he felt he owed her one? Theresa decided the best thing to do in this situation was involve Ethan’s arch enemy Warren who promised that he could get the car fixed no questions asked. He did however promise this with a glint in his eye that seemed to suggest that he would be due a favour in the not too distant future.

Following Warren’s involvement things seemed to turn a little nasty. I wasn’t able to see Thursdays episode due to 4od being crap but from what I can make out Ethan began to think that Theresa was going to let his secret out and decided to tell her that if it did come to light he would tell everyone about her misdemeanour – that being the murder of Calvin Valentine. Seemed a little half baked to me. Surely policemen aren’t supposed to hold onto secrets like murder and only tell the relevant authorities at a time of their choosing?

Warren soon heard about this and told Ethan that he wasn’t happy with the threats that were potentially being made. He soon made the young policeman realise that he was now under his control and like most boys in blue on the TV now pretty much a fully fledged bent copper.

There was a new arrival upon the village this week as the comedy male void left by Lee and Duncan was filled by newcomer Dennis Savage cousin of Dodger and Will. Loved by Liberty and father Savage – whatever he is called – Dodger didn’t seem too keen on Dennis’ appearance and found him a place to stay pretty sharpish following his cousin’s claims that he could stay in the campervan. Why is Dodger even living in that campervan? He has a proper job. Is rent really that expensive in Chester?

Anyway the room that Dodger found for Dennis was in Ethan’s house, also the home of the new arrival’s love interest Leanne. Leanne didn’t seem that keen which didn’t seem to make much sense as Dennis seems to be written in the exact faux David Brent style that Lee was written but maybe she will come around.

Michaela spent the week impressing nobody as she merged the two bands of the village and appointed herself lead singer. I thought she actually sounded fairly decent but the looks on the guy’s faces told a different story. Have they never heard of the baby diegos? Is that what they were called? Who knows?

Rhys and Jacqui seemed to find a little happiness this week as she moved back into their shared flat following a moment of clarity after finding Rob. Everything seemed to be going swimmingly until the week’s festivities ended with a knock on the door – Gilly had arrived for a chat….

Did they even sell any T-shirts?

Mon, 14 Nov 2011 16:47:22 -0500

With Silas safely behind bars the village descended into a relative calm this week as Bart McQueen dominated proceedings in his quest to save the supposed love of his life from the evil clutches of ex jailbird Gaz.

Already not massive fans of the newest, perhaps most unwelcome addition to their membership, the sixth formers grew even more tired of Gaz’s snake like ways following his attempt to seduce Maddie. Clearly looking to up his game and move onto a posher version of Hollyoaks beauty he was however knocked back and heard to his apparent indifference the tale told to his girlfriend. Sinead took little notice of this proclaiming Maddie’s intentions to be dishonourable and the case being that she was jealous. Surely this would be hard to suggest following Maddie’s strenuous attempts to get Gaz and Sinead together to allow her to indulge in her Bart obsession? Clearly Sinead was blind to this as well as her aforementioned boyfriend’s good intentions to make her see the light.

Feeling blighted by Gaz’s lack of employment and seemingly lack of opportunities in the village, Sinead’s luck seemed to be in when she saw a man flyering advertising a job that seemed to require a young bright, dynamic type and not an ex-con that would be more likely to steal the takings. A quick conversation with the man shaped job centre followed and in no time at all Sinead had charmed him into offering not just Gaz a job but her also. The plan was for them to work on tour with Wretch 32 and travel the world following a one off gig in London.

They seemed to be taken on a little hastily if you ask me. No references needed, no questions about criminal records and most importantly for me no testing of their sale skills. The way that Gaz was taken on before he had even appeared seemed a bit silly. He could have been a mute for all he knew. It is a known fact that mutes are terrible at selling hip-hop merchandise.

Anyway, what was that guy doing advertising the job in Hollyoaks? Is that how all pop stars get their staff? They just travel to random villages on the North West and hope that someone will interrupt them as they put up a poster? Weird. Anyway, following a completely flawed employment process Sinead and Bart packed their bags and in quick time were on their way to London to sell t-shirts before heading all over the world to sell I’m guessing even fewer t-shirts. I mean, how many people do you see wearing a Wretch 32 t-shirt?

Earlier in the week during the vigil for the dead girls Jason had attempted to give Bart the impetus to chase his love and it wasn’t until the two merchandisers had left until Sinead’s ex love could finally be persuaded that it was the right thing to do. The journey was captured on a special double header episode in which Jason filmed his friend, probing him about his feelings for Sinead along with his motivation to chase her to the capital and explain his true feelings for her. The trip involved them being taken to Liverpool following a ‘comical’ misunderstanding with a trouser less driver who seemed much more of a serial killer than Silas, hopping into a truck full of manure (or something) due to a particularly dopey trucker and a bus conductor looking to be sacked for falling for silly little stories about love. I’m pretty sure they would have been just as quick walking for all of the time they were on the old fashioned bus.

But the journey wasn’t all about Bart and Sinead. Following a tense moment in the lorry when the smell of poo was forgotten about as both Bart and Jason revealed they had kept text messages back from when they were together, Jason had decided that today was the day that they could finally say goodbye to Jasmine. On the count of three they deleted the messages. I’m not really sure why they couldn’t have done it in a less showy way but hey those amateur dramatics really paid off with the tourists – one of them even agreed to hold Jason’s camera.

Upon leaving the bus Bart found the venue in no time and tried his darndest to gain access. Shocked to be rejected by the doorman who didn’t let him in thanks to a lack of a ticket he took a look around the back and managed to sneak in before being thrown out by Gaz and one of the more diligent members of security.

This prompted a call to ‘the lads’ who met him around the front of the venue. They had been able to get tickets to the show thanks to a little blackmail on Maddie’s behalf. How the guy selling t-shirts managed to get all those tickets to a supposedly exclusive show on his first day is beyond me. It seems kind of like someone turning up for their first day at the Ferrari show room and asking to take their mate for a spin in the fastest car at 9:35. Anyway, one of the guys agreed to help Bart in his hour of need and let him have their ticket. It was at this stage that Bart exposed even more security weaknesses at the venue by wading through the crowds and jumping on stage. Once he was on stage he pleaded with Wretch 32 to let him have his say and was granted the chance to do so. I can’t even start to go into how unlikely this scenario is but there you go.

After saying his piece regarding his feelings on Sinead and doing a little impromptu karaoke Bart was thrown out of the venue once again and had that dejected look on his face. It was not however fully justified as Sinead had followed him out of the club and greeted him with a kiss. Gaz lurked in the background making you wonder who was selling the t-shirts as Chester’s bright young romantic hopes remembered the good times like when they slept in that door way in western super mare and that other time they got thrown out of that caravan. Glory days.

Elsewhere Scott and Analise grew closer as he went to great lengths to see to her anniversary party become a success following Rob’s disinterest, Duncan said goodbye to the village after his erm bubbly girlfriend broke up with him and Brendan smashed up his cell following an intense conversation with his old mucker Warren. Why is Brendan even still in jail? Strange.

Follow @hollybloggg on twitter

Checkmate!

Mon, 07 Nov 2011 15:30:07 -0500

The village was once again reeling in shock this week as Heidi’s body was found following Silas’ major indiscretion. The old man however hardly had time to grieve for his daughter before being rumbled by his grandson Riley who finally realised his own flesh and blood had been committing the murders after spotting him with Mercedes ring and fearing that the most dreadful day of his life had reached new levels of horror

Immensely saddened by Heidi’s death and frustrated by the rest of Hollyoaks being unable to see that Silas was responsible Lynsey arrived at the Dog looking for answers. Riley indignantly allowed her free reign to search his grandfather’s room safe in the knowledge that he was innocent and just a misunderstood old man that loves to play chess and speaks in the sinister tones of a cold blooded killer.

Elsewhere Silas’ evening went from bad to worse as he was blindsided by Mercedes while she pretended to empty her bladder. Using part of a plate broken by the pensioner to stab him when his back was turned she didn’t finish the job and it looked like it was check mate to Silas as he intimated that the game was up. Silas left the scene of the crime with the audience none the wiser if the expectant mother was dead or alive.

The search of Silas possessions had seemed to draw a blank and it seemed Lynsey had reached an all new level of frustration however she then saw another item that she believed may well hold the key – an urn containing the ashes of Silas’ late wife. Why he had kept this urn so long is beyond me. Had he not found anywhere nice enough to deposit the ashes? It’s not like he kept it on display – it was just tucked away in the wardrobe. Maybe he and his wife had one of those conversations about where they would like to be scattered if the unspeakable happened…

‘So, is there one place you would like your ashes to be scattered my darling?’

‘Oh no, just keep me in the wardrobe. I love the feel of cotton and polyester.’

Anyway, Silas arrived with Mercedes’ ring in his hand just as Lynsey poured the ashes onto the floor to reveal the jewellery of the other dead girls.

Following an interrogation by his disbelieving oldest grandchild Silas was arrested and taken away by the police. Lynsey had asked Nancy and Texas to meet her at the pub to enable her to take part in some kind of bizarre ‘I told you so’ ritual however their presence only seemed to bring the best out of everyone’s favourite cold blooded killer as he told the more alive of the Longford girls that it should have been her.

Following the arrest the residents of the village showed their disbelief that Silas was the killer along with their grieving patterns in a variety of ways. Rows were abound in the Costello household as devoid of parental guidance the twins fought among themselves as in-between making faces that gave the viewers the impression he had soiled himself, Seth blamed Jason for their mother’s death following the argument that led to Heidi walking to the club alone. Gaz waited by the gates of the yard reluctantly accepting he would never speak to his onetime cougar love again in between making cheeky plays for Maddie while Cheryl, Texas and Nancy congregated in the club for what looked like the most depressing episode of Loose Women ever.

But the game was far from over from Silas’ point of view. Unwilling to cooperate with the police who needed to find out where Mercedes was dead or alive, he told the head detective – who wasn’t Ethan for a change – that he needed more of a challenge. Along with the request of a chess board it was time to get Lynsey involved. I was hoping for some kind of mix up that involved a miscommunication and one of the junior detectives acquiring a cheese board for Silas to sample however this idea sadly didn’t come to fruition.

Lynsey arrived at the station with renewed sense vigour due to her vindication following Silas’ arrest. A game of chess was played between the two in the dimly lit interrogation room – those energy saving bulbs take a while don’t they? - and it seemed that the roles had reversed as Silas attempted to cope with the grief of mistakenly killing his daughter and slowly gave away clues of Mercedes whereabouts – sometimes it would seem by accident. Soon enough it became clear that Mercedes was still alive. This news was filtered down to a relieved McQueen family who had already been told that the woods had been searched and when Silas gave away the clue that the bride that wasn’t to be was ‘Right under their nose’ This gave Riley the much needed impetus to search the pub cellar for Mercedes and his unborn child or maybe sibling. Who can tell?

The footballer’s gut feeling was correct and he found Mercedes in quite a state as you might imagine. It was clear that she was too far along to get to the hospital which meant the soap tradition of a baby being born anywhere but hospital was the only option. Riley encouraged Mercedes to push like he’d been on a midwifery course previously while Carl stared dumbfounded at his almost daughter in law’s vagina – not for the first time I should add.

The paramedics arrived before it got all too awkward between the enforced family and the three went to the hospital where I assume the newest addition to the village was given the all clear. Riley stunned the McQueen’s however by letting them know he wanted nothing to do with the baby or its mother. This news was passed onto the new mother who pretended to be sad about this however I get the feeling she was just looking for her next sexual partner. I think the pairing of Mercedes and Riley has been one of the most chemistry lacking pairings I have ever seen on TV. What attracted him to a widow ten years older than him? Why did she want to get married so soon after the death of her husband who was apparently the love of her life? If they get back together it will annoy me.

Even serial killers suffer admin errors

Mon, 31 Oct 2011 17:55:51 -0400

All roads led to fright night this week as Chez Chez hosted the annual Halloween party and a hell of a lot of effort in terms of costumes. Everyone’s favourite murdering pensioner was back on the prowl as he spent the week tormenting his old mucker Lynsey and taunting a desperate Mercedes with the news that he would be killing her once her child was born.

But keeping Mercedes hostage was old hat and after last week’s rat and water based japes with his almost granddaughter in law Silas had a new game that recalled his favourite nurse turned mental breakdown newcomer. In a series of phone calls and frightening face to face meetings the killer with a freedom™ pass informed Lynsey that he would be killing another young Hollyoaks lady if she was unable to guess who he was targeting.

The potential victims were scattered all over the village and Lynsey carried on losing her marbles in her attempts to keep track of them over the week.

The most likely to be next in the opinion of Lynsey and her new ally Doug was Theresa. This became clear after a series of clues involving mothers and the fact that the lady to be killed had not spent the night at her own home. After a series of false starts Theresa and geeky boyfriend Will had finally spent the night together following Will’s unsuccessful attempt at buying condoms in the toilet at the SU bar. After observing his brother attempting to reason with the machine Dodger came to the rescue to provide his brother with protection from the various STD’s that Theresa must carry.

Another potential victim arrived onscreen in the form of Texas. She had spent the week fanning the flames of love rivals semi old flame and condom provider Dodger and student Scott who had a bet to see who would be able to snare the beauty. After much flexing of the guns and exposure of far more chest than a bar manager should be whilst at work the game was finally up for the two as dopey posho Barney inadvertently revealed their contest. Texas got her own back by inviting both competitors to ‘hook up’ with her before plotting to have them snuggle up to each other in some kind of comical set up that would never actually work in real life. I like the way that Dodger suggested that Texas had been working out as he snuggled up to Scott. That is a lot of working out. Far too much testosterone going on in that routine.

Texas also spent the week promoting Fright night and as well as encouraging the students to take part also found time to offer a free ticket to Heidi. I hadn’t seen any spoilers but alarm bells began to ring for me at this stage. Why would Texas be offering free tickets to someone old enough to be the mother of over 50% of the punters. If there’s one thing you don’t need in the club it’s the recently cuckolded crying in the corner.

Another potential victim was the newly single Amy who spent most of the week feeling down in the dumps following Lee’s departure to work in New York. Following an interesting phone call Amy discovered that Lee had in fact quit the job to stay with her and selflessly told him to follow his dream rather than spend the rest of his life resenting her and presumably helping iron out the remarkable amount of tragedies that her life brings. Following his departure Amy decided the best way to deal with the situation was to get out of her mind drunk and after leaving the SU bar by herself didn’t return home that night. A worried Ste discovered her unslept in bed the next morning and frantically dialled Mike looking for answers before Amy ambled on through the door with a headache I imagine the size of Mount Rushmore. I didn’t actually catch where she slept but I’m guessing in a dumpster somewhere. Ste then spent some time persuading the young mother to work at Fright night to take her mind off the situation. I’m guessing that poor old Lucas and Leah had to spend Halloween fending for themselves as all kinds of bad spirits attempted to force their way into the flat but that’s enough about Michaela.

To be honest I thought Silas was meant to be punishing girls that deserved it? I’m not really sure what Lynsey has ever done to deserve to be treated like this. Texas might have put it about a bit but has reason to be in the wilderness a little following the loss of her sister. Amy is another who lost her sister – it’s quite fashionable in Chester – and has hardly put a foot wrong in terms of promiscuity in recent years apart from the Dodger fiasco but hey who can turn that guy down?

Attempts to mend her friendship with Cheryl were spurned as Lynsey’s hopes to make everyone see that Silas was the murderer became more and more desperate as the week went on. Her stretched sense of sanity seemed to reach fever pitch by the start of Fright night as she took to the stage to warn the party-goers that a killer was in their midst only to be laughed off. I thought this was quite disrespectful considering the murders that had taken place. It was at this stage that she spoke to Ethan following another call from Silas who had expressed his wrath at her revealing the plan to Doug.

In true horror film fashion Lynsey believed that the best option at this stage was to return home and spend some time alone – it’s almost as if she was asking to be murdered! Right on cue Silas arrived and took a picture of her with her own phone – presumably guessing the key lock? Lynsey was awoken by another call which made it clear that her tormenter was in the flat and looking for some action. A rather calm Silas finally confronted Lynsey and explained to her that she had guessed wrong all along. This bought about the realisation that she herself may be the latest target however this was rebuffed by Silas who made her an offer that she could definitely refuse. He told her that if she wanted to save the other girl and die in the knowledge that people would realise she was right she could sacrifice herself. Looking around the room curiously Lynsey accepted the offer before smashing the pensioner around the head with a well placed vase and escaping the flat like Gilly was feeling randy again.

She raced across the village, knocking on Cheryl’s door who for some reason didn’t hear her (continuity error?) and tried Doug’s before presumably realising that he was still at the club. At this point all sorts of girls seemed to be walking around by themselves. Amy was confronted in the cellar by…Ste – so why did she look so shocked?! Texas was locked into a particularly good game of angry birds and Will finally caught up with an upset Theresa.

All of a sudden a grab was made at a passing cat suit and it was clear that Silas had caught his latest victim. Could it be Texas? Could it be Lynsey? The dead girl recoiled only for a look of shock to pass across the killers face. He pulled the dark wig back to reveal a blonde mane. Silas’ latest victim was none other than his own daughter Heidi. Oops.

Another happy wedding day

Mon, 24 Oct 2011 16:06:24 -0400

So the wedding that was never going to happen umm….Didn’t happen this week as Mercedes felt the need to wait until the last possible moment to let her guilty feelings emerge to an audience. Carl would have been wishing that she had made the omission much earlier following his reluctant hand over of £25, 000 to Warren who threatened to tell Riley all about the affair if the part time family man part time lady killer didn’t comply.

The viewer had been expecting either Jacqui or Doug to break the news following their late admission to the wedding accompanied with their ‘ready for serious business’ faces. Doug had been warned off by Warren and originally looked to have followed that advice by booking a taxi to the airport. He must have then remembered he had no friends and returned to Chester with good intentions only to bear the brunt of Riley’s anger as he revealed that he along with a fair few others knew of the affair. Jacqui on the other hand had been banned from attending the wedding by Myra who seemed to hell bent on cashing in on the situation – and who can blame her on going for that after all of her years of hardship?!

You would have thought that Carl could now go to the police and tell them all about Warren’s blackmail scheme? I mean, getting the village gangster sent down seems to be number one on Ethan’s to do list perhaps even more so than finding the serial killer currently prowling the streets – does he really think cheeky Irish chappy Brendan could be responsible for those murders? Surely not. This kind of action does not however seem to be forthcoming and Warren has ended the week with £25k more than he started it and a renewed spring in his step.

The days leading up to the wedding had been filled with forceful words towards Carl regarding the money needed for mischievous couple of Warren and Mitzeee to keep their mouths shut or rather their words out of print. In between Jason’s squabbles regarding his hormone based problems and Seth’s erratic outbursts - that might make a casual observer believe that he had taken on some kind of gender swap plan with his twin brother - Carl bemoaned the lack of time to find the money.

Surely he still has friends in the game doesn’t he? With the wages that players are on nowadays surely it’d be pretty easy for a man in his position to get his hands on £25k? Well, I’m sure there would be questions asked but it would be more than doable. After finding himself wishing for the first time that he was friends with Carlos Tevez Carl managed to only find half the money and even went to the lengths of asking Mercedes to ask Riley to stump up the cash. Riley was able to stretch to this despite the fact that he had just spent everything he had on their new family house which will now mainly be used for crying in.

The plan was for the news of the affair to be revealed exclusively in Mitzeee’s tell all book which would be distributed at the wedding if Carl didn’t come up with the cash. The book was somehow able to be altered something like two days before the wedding with this new information and delivered just in time for a copy to be placed under every chair at the wedding. This was fast work by the publishers. They are clearly not bothered by factors such as a potential suing due to defamation and just do as they’re told. Nancy didn’t seem to be involved in this process which was odd due to the fact that I thought she had been ghost writing the book up to this stage?

Another factor regarding this book – who exactly is going to buy it? I mean sure some people might be interested to read about the life of Jordan as she is thought of as one of the original wags but does anyone really care what a half baked model from Chester that sometimes has to do fashion shoots in pokey student union bars thinks about anything? I doubt it. That one is heading for the pound shop this Christmas.

Following the nightmare of the wedding and much dramatic conversation between the husband and wife that never were to be Silas stepped in to get involved in some warped version of right and wrong by kidnapping Mercedes. In-between comforting Riley who must be his favourite grandson he visited a tied up Mercedes and informed her that her days would be numbered once the little baby was born.

I’m not sure how he plans to work this one out. Is he going to arrive at the pub with the baby and explain how he thinks Mercedes is dead but found this baby that looks pretty much like a Costello? All the while he was keeping Mercedes in the rat ridden dungeon Silas found himself engaging in a bit of text banter with the McQueen’s and Riley telling her family that she had gone to Dubai to spend her honeymoon by herself and informing her former love that their relationship was over. This sequence revealed Mercedes to have a crappy old fashioned Nokia phone. I would have thought she was more of a diamond embossed iphone kind of girl really.

With the help of his friends Ethan and Doug, Riley attacked his broken heart with a bout of alcohol poisoning as he frequented the SU bar. It was there that he was spotted by Ash who had decided to play man-eater for the night. She eventually got her man and they enjoyed a romantic encounter in the toilets despite her bedroom being mere minutes away. Maybe she likes it rough? Riley ruined the moment for us all by sitting in the toilet cubicle crying in the moments after.

So the wedding that was never going to happen didn’t happen. Big shock. Best get looking into how to get rid of that tattoo.

Elsewhere Lee got a job in New York which was then retracted following the companies realisation that they had employed a buffoon with no experience, Warren had Brendan beaten up following his refusal to sell him the club and Gilly and Rhys continued to be at loggerheads. Ou est la happiness?

Unblocking the block of blockers

Mon, 10 Oct 2011 17:15:06 -0400

The focus was on Jason this week as his parent’s reluctance to agree to get started with his hormone blocking treatment sent him to new depths of despair.

The week began with the soap standard for someone that is having a hard time – heavy drinking. Jason informed the hired help Jacqui that it was his family that owned the pub and therefore it was up to him to take booze if he wished. Great thinking. Following a heavy session that seemed to involve at least two bottles of beer, Jason was found by his brother Seth and returned home to play raucous loud music and ignore his parents calling for him. If I was trying to get hold of Jason I would just call for Jasmine. He seems to get pretty wound up when people mention her. Once the Costello’s made moves to ask him to turn the music down a large mural was revealed in his bedroom that Jason hoped would put Jasmine to bed once and for all.

The drunken week continued and Jason’s next move involved Mitzeee and Riley who had spent a cosy evening together following the scheming wag’s attempts to stay close to Seth on the order of boyfriend Warren. Riley helped a half cut Mitzeee to bed and stood over her only for Jason to walk in on them and take a photograph unbeknownst to his brother. With a cheeky grin and some deadly ammunition to hand Jason departed not seeming to think it at all weird that his cousin’s might have eyes for each other.

Next on the agenda was a spot of theft as Jason spied a lone motorbike left by homely student Ash. The mischievous grizzled smirk crossed his face as he rode away into the sunset but bad times were to come as Ash revealed that she recognised Jason from Callum’s class and didn’t hesitate to call the police. Jason arrived back with the bike in style as he rode into the SU bar taking the helmet off with the same self satisfied look that seems to appear when he has done something that might be considered manly.

His mirth was however not to last as the police arrived looking to make an arrest.

Shocked at the events unfolding Jason reacted badly when the policeman that was allowed to speak told him that he would have to be searched. Instead of taking the cops out for a quiet word, Seth then jumped in to inform the rozzers and in fact everyone else in the crowded bar that the person they previously thought was his brother was in fact his sister. An audible sigh spread across the bar as Jason was led away by the police. Do people really believe he is a boy? I mean he sounds just like a girl and looks like a girl with a dodgy masculine haircut. Very strange.

Carl arrived to rescue Jason from the evil clutches of the police and their policy to search people only to be dealt a torrent of requests for blockers. Clearly not keen on agreeing to the commitment of allowing his little girl get on the road of becoming a boy Carl fobbed her off further by telling her that it wasn’t a good time. The angst felt by the unhappy teen was multiplied as Riley wade into the argument with a less measured response telling his brother that other people had issues and that everything didn’t have to be about him. This led a distraught Jason to use the ammunition earned earlier in the week and text the picture of Mitzeee and Riley to Warren.

Now, a few bits of this don’t really add up to me. Why would Jason have Warren’s phone number? When would they have conceivably swapped digits? Are they old drinking buddies? Do they often have chats about the problems you might face being born a different gender to that of the body that you inhabit? Maybe Warren has been giving Jason secret ‘being a man’ lessons?

Predictably when he received the picture message Warren was a boiling cauldron of rage. He raced over to the pub to confront a shocked Riley and was only just about stopped by an angry Carl who stopped at nothing to insult the village gangster and even insulted Mitzeee who of course he had been with what must have been less than a year ago?

Riley didn’t seem to be at all upset at his brother for the ruckus he had caused as the week ended however there was more in store as Jason swooped in and took Carl’s credit card to buy his own blockers. You would have thought that Seth’s recent drug experience with the pills provided by Gaz would have put him off buying medicinal products through unofficial suppliers however this did not seem to be the case as he ended the week with the same grizzled smile that he had started it with. More troubled times could be ahead for Jason.

Elsewhere Will seemed to be unaware that you have to pay to get into university and after telling Dodger that he pretty much wanted nothing to do with him was forced to apologise to his lady killer brother seeing as selling a couple of dodgy electrical appliances can apparently put someone through university. I did feel sorry for Dodger and his hang dog expression following the earlier exchange. I’m not really sure what there is to like about Will. He seems to be neglecting Theresa after going out with her for less than an eighth of the time he spent chasing her and is happy to disown his family due to their roots.

The comedy angle of the week was provided by the new university students who it was revealed had no idea how to use a washing machine. Luckily they had the power of Google on their side and all was revealed. I quite like Barney and Scott. While Barney seems like a character that has been played out in the village many times it has previously been portrayed by a female character and there is a bitchy edge to it. Barney seems like a nice guy that hasn’t needed to use his brain much in the past. Rob and Analise spent most of the week arguing about his neglect of her. Surely this is far too early for the viewer to care for such a squabble or even take sides?

How are we supposed to remember all of these names?

Mon, 03 Oct 2011 16:49:59 -0400

More students arrived in the village this week this time to enrol in the very prestigious and surely feared – due to rates of student fatality – Hollyoaks community college. I have heard the new crowd described as something like the trendiest bunch of freshers ever to explode onto the scene which doesn’t really say much about previous first years to look at these guys.

In amongst the newbies are Annalise a typical posho who seems to have a few issues and rarely smiles. Maybe she is being moody and cool I don’t know. Annalise comes as part of a package as she seems to have forced her rugby loving boyfriend Rob to also enrol at the college. For some reason they didn’t arrive together preferring to instead shock everyone with news of their union in the union bar at a somewhat intimate time for Rob. Shortly before this Rob had encouraged fellow fresher Ash to take her top off much to the shock of the baying masses. Ash seems to rarely be without a drink which makes me think that the social awareness story of young women with drinking problems story is on its way. Yawn. She also doesn’t seem to have anywhere to live though that might be because she is in fact living at home with her brother; the enigmatic sixth form college student Callum. Ash has seemed like the most interesting student so far but then a lot of the first week has been centred around her.

Scott has not featured so much however sometimes these slow burning characters sometimes reveal a lot more over time. At the moment he seems like a chilled out nice guy however I would like him to expose a dark side and maybe rival Silus as the village’s best serial killer. This however I admit is unlikely. Posh guy Barney seems like he has been dragged over to the soap kicking and screaming from the set of Made in Chelsea. Whilst sharing some of the attributes of JP - Jack Whitehall’s character in Fresh Meat – Barney actually seems like a nice guy despite his love of the finer things in life including expensive wine and his love of a kilt. I imagine it is hoped that he will bring a few comedy stories to the student flat.

Lumped in with the students are the Savage boys Will (who seems to have abandoned the new look that Rae had crafted for him) and Dodger along with Theresa who is playing the long established role of neglected girlfriend of student. This situation would be more believable if the two of them had been going out for more than three weeks. Three weeks that had featured the death of one of Theresa’s friends by the way who seems to have been forgotten about. Anyway with Ash clearly making eyes at Will let’s see how that story develops. If he dumps Theresa for Ash he is a silly boy despite their obvious common interests. Dodger has been bundled in with the gang as the brand new manager of the SU bar. He somehow got the job after gaining much experience erm…Flogging stolen goods out of the back of his van.

The Savage family have somehow afforded to send Will to university despite the fact that they seem to live in a camper van permanently parked outside the McQueen’s house. I liked the scene the other week when Dodger’s dad warned his son that they needed to start making more money now that the brains of the family was going to uni. What? You need to sell about a hundred of those cheap stolen watches a day to make enough money to pay those £9k a year student funds. Those college halls don’t look cheap either. Why didn’t he just carry on living in the van?

Anyway as you might expect during Freshers week much partying was to be had. Rows, drunkenness and nudity made the week seem a bit like a posher, less muscular version of Jersey shore. Even the classy outfits couldn’t disguise the gross smell of alcohol in the air as the students piled home after a heavy night at the ball at Chez Chez.

Talking of Chez Chez Cheryl severely damaged her friendship with Rhys and Jacqui this week as she offered Gilly a job at the club. This obviously angered Rhys whose hostile reaction to anything his former best friend is just starting to grate a little. I mean it’s like Gilly sits down and starts eating a bacon sandwich. Rhys sees him….

‘I can’t believe you would eat a bacon sandwich after what you did…..’

Gilly pours himself a glass of water. Rhys sees him….

‘I can’t believe you would pour yourself a glass of water after what you did…..’

Gilly rapes Jacqui. Rhys sees him….

‘I can’t believe you would….Wait! what the f*ck?!’

Jacqui on the other hand seems happy to get on with her life safe in the knowledge that Gilly isn’t going anywhere any time soon. As well as the job Cheryl this week offered Gilly a room in her suddenly very empty abode following some talk that made him feel unwelcome in the Osborne household from Nancy. She didn’t feel that is was appropriate for a man accused of rape to live with two young women that might be faced with troubling accusations at school. Tom even returned from school with a fat lip having been confronted by some older boys that hadn’t spoken about his uncle…wait…cousin….erm i duno…in the nicest possible way. Personally I think it’s more likely they were just laughing about Max’s massive ears. Takes a while to get over the size of them.

Elsewhere Father Francis seemed to be putting his plan into action as he organised a large donation from Cindy to his charity. Cindy seemed to have strange ideas about charity as she was of the opinion that for every donation that you make towards starving children in Africa you get to have sex with the organiser. By the end of the week the fake priest seemed keen to go along with this. Tony did a bit of detective work before he planned to make a donation and discovered much to Cindy and Carmel’s passive feelings of shock that no such charity existed. I was a little shocked by his lax attitude. Surely if you’re attempting a long con like the kind Francis has been working you may as well go to the effort of registering the fake charity? I mean, maybe even make some fake t-shirts?

The week ended with a distraught Carmel catching Cindy getting her charity donation ‘extras’ from a de-collared Francis. Ghost Calvin will not be happy at all…

Which of the new students will die first?!!

Mon, 26 Sep 2011 16:46:45 -0400

The new college students featured heavily this week and have now been around long enough to have made some kind of impression on most viewers. They seem to be attending college in the exact same place that they went to school, but with the Hollyoaks High banner replaced with a new sign proclaiming the place to be ‘Hollyoaks sixth form college.’ I can only imagine the confused look on the face of Pete as he returned to school for the first day of term. He must have been most confused. I like to think he now spends his days getting drunk at home wishing that he had made moves on Ruby.

I thought it might be good to go through the new college characters and illustrate the reasons that I hate them the most. Here goes…

Maddie is the queen bee of the group. If there was someone that any of them would go to first with an issue it would be her. She has an unhealthy crush on Bart – I think they used to go out – and is very keen to set Sinead up properly with Gaz so that she has him all to himself. Maddie seems a bit of a throwback to old school Hollyoaks in some ways. I think she would be much more suited to hanging around with Kurt Benson and his crew. Her accent seems far too posh and middle class to be hanging out with Bart and his mates. Expect a cat fight with Sinead in the next six months.

George has arrived following the exit of Chris as the village’s resident camp ‘say what you want’ type character. He hasn’t been involved much apart from blurting out Sinead’s back seat antics with Gaz to all and sundry but I’m sure he will have much to say in the future. I’m hoping he will die a gruesome death – take one for the team Silas.

Jono is the Prototype Hollyoaks lad, loving booze, girls and football. He is Bart’s right hand man echoing his sentiments like some kind of hype man supporting his every whim but still ready to mock when necessary. He kind of reminds me of Josh’s mate from uni, whose name escapes me, who started brightly and then disappeared without being involved in much at all.

Tilly is the lesbian of the crew. She has already had dealings with the other lesbian of the village Esther however now seems to have spurned her advances as she isn’t one of the cool kids. Tilly seems more suited to being a skins character but seems to have a caring side also. I wouldn’t bet against her working in Cincerity at some point soon.

Neil is the unlikely name of the token black member of the gang. I have never heard of a black man being called Neil. It just doesn’t happen! It is seriously like when they were all making friends they were literally looking for people that have a particular tokenistic USP. I’d like to think that there were two lesbians and Tilly murdered the other one in cold blood frightened that she would be thrown out the crew due to ‘lesbian limitations.’ Anyway we don’t really know much about Neil, only that he loves big boobs and doesn’t have much luck with women. I’m sure all of that will change over the next year as he becomes a rapper or something.

The final piece of the jigsaw and not an official member of the crew is ‘the dark mysterious one’ that is Callum. Everyone seems quite keen to become friendly with him but I don’t really see why. He has so far spurned the friendly advances of both Jono and Maddie and looks set to continue in the same vain. I don’t know why people really want to be friends with him. He has a terrible soul patch going on and the way he doesn’t speak massively reminds me of the kid from Angry Boys that enjoyed having sex with animals. I’m sure he probably doesn’t do that though. Well not until the late night episodes anyway.

Making up the gang are former love birds Sinead and Bart along with the outsiders of Gaz and Jason. I wouldn’t expect Gaz to hang around for much longer once Sinead has ditched him however I am quite amused by Jason’s current predicament. He seems to loaf around the common room chuckling to himself in a grizzled way that reminds me of Ray Winstone. I am fully expecting him to quit college and spend all day drinking whiskey straight while eying up a scared Ste across the bar pretty soon. Again, the climax of that story should be saved for Hollyoaks later.

Bart meanwhile massively dropped the ball this week by attempting to set up Gaz by stashing some stolen watches in his car. Gaz was released without charge for some reason and tricked his love rival into admitting what he had done in front of a shocked Sinead. She had previously been warming to him following his acquisition of a book she had been after. This event only spurred her on to get close with Gaz as they ended the week happily sitting on a fountain- as you do.

Elsewhere Gilly inexplicably returned to the village despite the only attractions being his ex best mate that is now married to the girl he was accused of raping and the family of his dead ex wife. Doesn’t really sound like a happy place to go back to does it? Maybe he just fancied some punishment.

Even more of a shock comeback occurred when Father Francis came back for even more of Cindy’s fortune for his ‘charity.’ I’m guessing he’ll be found out eventually but not really sure how it will happen seeing as he is going back to ‘Africa’ permanently next week. Why does it have to be permanent? Are there no more planes to that part of the world?

* Many thanks for the reblogs last week. Follow @hollybloggg on twitter*

You've got the wrong man! Like Durrrr!

Mon, 19 Sep 2011 16:43:16 -0400

Predictions came true this week as Brendan was hauled into custody by the police after being set up by no good murderer Silas. It was a much more elaborate set up than I was expecting after Brendan drove into the woods after reading a forged note that he thought Lynsey had written leading him to his capture by Ethan and his motley crew.

Upon reaching a clearing Brendan got out of his car with a look of anguish on his face – clearly thinking the worst for the young nurse – only to hear a ringing from his boot. Upon opening the boot he discovered the body of freshly murdered DJ Rae and recoiled in horror. It was then with perfect timing that the sirens sounded and police surrounded the Irishman. Without hesitation and a tone of sickened disgust teenage detective Ethan told his men to take Brendan in without even checking that Rae was definitely dead. I mean she could have just been having a sleep in Brendan’s boot. Who doesn’t like to have a sleep in a car boot sometimes?

Surely this seemed like a bit of a set up to the cops didn’t it? I mean how did they know that Brendan had a dead girl in his car boot? Surely it must have been an anonymous tip off? What was the phone call like?

‘Hello. police?’

‘Umm yep’

‘Good, the Hollyoaks murderer is driving to the woods with a newly dead girl in the boot!’

‘What?! It’s not Theresa is it?’

‘What?! No, it’s Rae. She isn’t that much of a major character. The writers could have done more with her but it wasn’t to be.’

‘Oh okay. I spose we’ll send that prick Ethan down there….Wait, how do you know all this?

*Line goes dead*

I mean it’s not really something that you would just blurt out if you were the murderer. You’d keep it pretty much to yourself. If I went round murdering girls I wouldn’t tell anyone where I was dumping the bodies. Unless it was my best friends spare room or something – that would only lead to arguments later down the road.

As mentioned earlier Brendan had rushed to the woods to search for a missing Lynsey. She had arranged to meet with Silas in the woods under the guise of a young lady on the dating website frequently visited by the killer. Is this a popular thing on dating websites to meet in deserted woodland areas? I mean I’m sure sometimes it is lovely to meet a stranger and talk about nature and trees and stuff but a lot of the time like we have witnessed it can go horribly wrong. Lynsey arrived home hours after Brendan had been arrested. Where had she actually been?

For some reason Brendan spent his time being interviewed by the police acting like a complete psycho seemingly taking inspiration from the cannibal from Silence of the Lambs. At one point I was almost expecting him to do that weird sucking noise. He also didn’t seem to have a solicitor which was weird. If I had been taken in by the police for murder I would definitely instruct a solicitor.

Brendan’s claims that Lynsey had left him a note were of course denied by the young nurse who had no idea of the extent of Silas’ cunning plan. Followed by the news that a weapon matching the description of what killed Rae was found in his room Brendan was charged with murder. I’m guessing that they found a skipping rope or something. Club owners have gota keep in shape somehow right?

In between nominating herself for the ‘most cleavage shown while accusing a pensioner of being a serial killer’ award, Lynsey had been telling the police that she had proof on her laptop of Silas’ involvement in the murders via the dating site. The police returned with shocking news that Lynsey had apparently been sending messages to herself. Now, I’m not really sure what this means. Had Lynsey actually been doing this or are the writers trying to say that Silas had used some kind of IP cloaking device when messaging? I think this is unlikely. Also if this was the case surely they would think that it had been Brendan messaging Lynsey and a one way conversation.

I liked the way people were shocked that Brendan was refused bail. What kind of insane judge would grant bail to someone accused of being a serial killer?!

The bad news wasn’t over yet for Brendan. Firstly Warren refused to provide an alibi for the co-owner of the club without Chez Chez being completely signed over to him. The problem I have with this is seeing as Brendan didn’t kill Rae surely he has a real alibi. Surely one of Declan, Cheryl or Lynsey can say that they knew he was in the house at the time of the murder?

How do the police even know when Rae was killed? How did Silas get her into Brendan’s car without anyone noticing? Also, my understanding of serial killers was that they didn’t like other people taking credit for their work? They want to keep the police guessing and sit back and watch them fall apart. I didn’t watch much of it but I expect Luther to be a bit like this.

Lynsey’s week had a bittersweet end as she was thrown out of the flat by Cheryl for getting Brendan involved.

Following the news that she had lost her job – which was surely illegal? I’m guessing she had been signed off with stress? They can’t just sack her without an investigation – she followed Silas to the woods where he was taking pictures for the latest issue of ‘Rope weekly’ (Maybe).

He of course spotted her confronted her and humiliated her before turning his back and being knocked to the ground by a rock the size of a football. The week ended with a look of dazed intent on Lynsey’s face. Has she killed the murderer?

Elsewhere Ste couldn’t get the hang of Rae being dead and kept calling her phone thinking that it might still work. On a semi serious note do people do this in real life? I seem to remember Jesse from Breaking bad also doing this when his girlfriend died. Luckily none of my close friends have died but I think most of them just use the default network voicemail. I will have to record them myself.

Also the honeymoon period of Theresa and Will’s relationship was started in the best way possible – a good bit of grieving.

There are not enough words!

Tue, 13 Sep 2011 17:17:36 -0400

The Oaks really ups its game when Later is added to the equation and this year it was no different. It really was a cracking week of drama with some major props going out to some important performances by all of the usual suspects as well as a few surprises along the way.

Several stories ran concurrently across both the normal show and its late night brethren. Riley and Mercedes’ stag and hen nights raged across sunny Ibiza and rural England, Duncan and Ricky were sent to fat camp, Will planned a club night to impress Theresa after she missed the flight to Ibiza and Silas found himself another hapless victim by the way of unlucky DJ Rae.

Hollyoaks later gives the show a chance to introduce fun short term characters that can play on their novelty value without the need to worry about the longevity that would usually be a concern with a recurring character. This year’s instalment was no different. My favourite of the characters introduced would have to be Michaela’s squeeze Michael Jackson however the crazy fat camp instructor and Duncan’s love interest also caught my attention.

Of course these characters don’t always have to be short term. Lynsey and Cheryl began life as Malachy and Chris’ childhood friends and must have been appreciated by the audience as they decided to make the move over to Chester for a life of misery whilst surrounded by attractive people.

The main story of the week would have to be Silas’ successful mission of finding another young girl to murder. The writers teased us all week by making us think that Theresa would be the victim however this was not to be as Rae ‘talked herself’ into being brutally murdered. Silas was irked somewhat early on in the week when Myra pinched his bottom and laid the blame at the feet of her niece. This angered Silas who is of the opinion that anyone who gets involved in such an act is a lady without honour and is deserving of death! Right! Right? Hmm a little flawed logic there.

The old man was still interested in tormenting Lynsey however his plan had become a little skewed following Brendan’s support of the nurse and subsequent threats that if anything further happened there would be hell to pay. Silas had already almost been caught at Lynsey’s moving some ornaments to make the most of his webcam and it would appear to the viewer that he had decided that enough was enough and it was time to move on to targets new.

It became clear that the target was Theresa following conversations about her with new chess buddy Will. The village geek explained his anguish over failing to seal the deal with the murdering mum and also explained that Theresa had started using internet dating as a way to snare new love. Now, you would have thought that young women of Hollyoaks would steer clear of internet dating following the plight of India and Beck however it would appear that the temptation of meeting a new man was too much and with some help from occasional friend (not anymore) Rae she set up her profile and started getting offers straight away.

One of these offers was of course from good old Silas in the shape of Juan. Possibly my favourite line of the week came from this scenario as the golden oldie uttered the mortal line;

‘I’ll give you Juan alright Theresa McQueen…’

I’d like to think that he sniggered to himself a little after saying that before composing himself and remembering he had to be looking sinister all the time. Incidentally it kind of annoys me how many times I have seen actors from Hollyoaks say how much of a nice guy Jeff Rawle is when not in the guise of Silas – like we are morons and can’t tell the real from the fiction! Obviously a few characters are playing people that are probably similar to the real life person - I would pick out Nancy and Darren as examples of these – but I really don’t need it to be explained to me that Jeff Rawle doesn’t go around murdering girls when he is off set. Oh look, here he is enjoying himself elsewhere. Bet he didn’t kill anyone that day.

The week continued and Silas set himself up on a lovely murderous date as he interviewed Home Alone Theresa for the newspaper about the village murders. Predictably she came out with some answers that didn’t sit very well with the pensioner and her life was only saved by the fact that she was holding Kathleen Angel when it seemed the point of no return had passed. I mean come on Silas you can’t just give up on murder because the girl is holding a baby! Quickly stuffing his favourite bit of rope into the back of his trousers Silas happily held the baby, his accomplice having no idea what she had narrowly avoided.

Back to daytime and all hell was breaking loose in Brendan’s fragile world as Declan discovered the truth about his sexuality. A furious Rae had blurted it out during a rage filled outburst of anguish as she berated Ste for falling for the Irishman’s charms once again and answering to his every beck and call by looking after Lynsey. Slight irony perhaps that Rae was indirectly suggesting that Lynsey didn’t need looking after and then ended up as Silas’ victim but hey there you go.

By the look on Declan’s face i’m not even sure he knew what gay meant.

Brendan exploded in a storm of rage at Rae following an emotional moment with his son and in front of a crowd of people threatened to kill her. This was when the seasoned soap viewer realised that it would be the young DJ that met her end this week. Twas a classic set up. I first assumed that she would start chatting to Juan online however wasn’t that pretty much what happened to India?

The club night idea seemed to come out of nowhere. The premise was that Will had done it to impress Theresa. Seemed a lot of effort to me. Also the idea that Will had asked Silas to pick him up after the rave was a bit of a weird one. Why did he need him to do that?!

Distracting will, Silas went looking for Theresa in the club wearing his hood up like all the cool kids do. After not much finding her – it was quite crowded – Silas then ventured outside only to find a not too happy Rae who told him of how she now planned to go round snaring as many men as she possibly could. Why do girls always tell Silas this sort of thing? I really don’t know any girls that inform old men of their sexual motives and plans. I expect his next victim will tell him about their plans to set the new record for having sex in one day or something.

This sequence of events set out a new plan for Silas as he stole Theresa’s phone and then messaged her DJ friend to come outside.

Delivering a killer hook to the unlucky lady’s jaw Silas dragged Rae into a quiet part of the disused building and used old ropey to its best effect. Kill number 3! Surely Brendan will have any alibi right? Right?! Could there be a chance that Brendan will actually go down for it? I mean he has murdered someone else hasn’t he? Things like that always come back to haunt people in soaps don’t they? I can’t see it happening as Brendan is fast becoming the Oaks main man especially with the impending exit of Warren but you never know.

It’s sad that it had to be Rae. I really liked her though she never seemed to have much luck in the village. From her humble beginnings as a figment of Newt’s mind followed by her return as a hot young dj to erm…being the friend of Ste she never had a great time in the village really.

In a leafier part of the north east another storm was brewing as Riley and his gang set off on a stag weekend to remember. Of course it all went swimmingly. I mean who doesn’t hope for faked murder of a hooker, violent exchanges with a gang of posho’s, a white water rafting accident and the realisation that your manager doesn’t have your best interests at heart on their stag weekend?

Even before the troupe set off things had soured as Mitzeee overheard an exchange between Riley in Mercedes during which the bride that definitely shouldn’t wear white explained in no certain terms that Warren had to be sacked. This urged Mitzeee to take Warren to one side and explain the situation before joining the lads for the weekend to make sure things were done properly.

With the news that Seth had some important information that he thought might be helpful; Warren made it his one man mission to befriend the younger Costello and had a plan to make his night when he have Seth the chance to lose his virginity to the hooker that had been rejected by Riley. The nerves affected Seth who seemed reluctant at first to partake in the activity however his new friend was all too happy to give him a pill to calm his nerves and let the games commence.

And that was where it all went wrong. Seth began hallucinating and in his mind murdered the prostitute leaving a trail of blood in his wake. Panicking he explained to a returning Warren what had happened. Warren was only too happy to help bury the body. I mean if there is one guy who has experience of that sort of thing it’s him. Does he take a shovel with him everywhere he goes? He then calmed the youngster down for the return of the rest of the lads.

It was sometime around then that we discovered that it was actually all a dastardly plan thought up by Warren. So he predicted that after taking the pills Seth would imagine killing the hooker? I’m not really sure how much of it was meant to be his plan. Anyway, the week wore on and after getting into a row with the posh gang – who seemed to only have one member who could speak – the guys returned to their room to discover a missing Seth.

What seemed like days were spent looking for him before Riley found his little brother in quite a state. After explaining what had happened in hysterics they went back to the place where the hooker had been buried only to find a pig! Warren had been found out! This was the stage that Riley decided that Warren’s worst nightmares were all going to come true.

So what were Warren’s worst nightmares? Ah you know, Just being dumped down a hole and then beaten up by the posh gang. Maybe being rescued by his girlfriend was the worst bit for a self processed hardman like Warren?

The week had a happy ending for Riley as he travelled to Ibiza to meet his wife to be (ahem). She had enjoyed a messy week in which it was revealed she had previously been out the paedophile from Eastenders and become reacquainted with her sister Michaela who seemed to be dressed as Ashley Cole from those national lottery adverts.

Elsewhere Duncan finally lost his virginity at Fat camp where he was court marshalled by some kind of insane instructor type. On the daytime show, Bart’s friends were introduced a little more but I plan to go over them in more detail another time. I think I have said too much…

Priests on the run!

Mon, 05 Sep 2011 17:34:00 -0400

In the absence of a deranged serial killer and his ever startled tormentee the village turned to matters of the heart this week in what seemed like a valentines week special six months late. Unrequited, forbidden and long lost love were all on the agenda as Ruby, Pete, Carmel, Father Francis, Mandy, Tony, Bart, Jason and Sinead all had their chance to shine.

Carmel’s ongoing conflict of the heart took centre stage as she battled her morals as to whether it would be the right thing to give into her lustful feelings and declare her love for gym loving priest Father Francis. The sideshow of the calendar shoot – how else is a nun supposed to raise money if she can’t get all of her friends to pose naked? – led to Ethan pulling out and being replaced by the aforementioned man of the cloth. I expect Ethan was busy what with there being a murderer on the loose. Of course the two stories could have been tied together nicely if Silas had been asked to pose in the calendar but unfortunately this wasn’t to be.

The sight of the holy man in his skimpies sent shivers down Carmel’s spine. Surely if she is distracted from her duties as a nun simply by a passing six pack then maybe her calling hasn’t been quite as successful as she might have thought. Many wistful looks and serious words were shared by the couple over the week before Father Francis again leaned in and kissed Carmel before leaving with a regretful look on his face. He then returned the next day to explain that he would be leaving to go back to Uganda to help the kids that he had previously been working with.

I was impressed by the efficiency of the charity that organised his flight. They must really like him out there right? Right?! At the last minute Carmel seemed to have a change of heart after being urged to follow her heart by Mercedes and raced to the airport to let Francis know how she felt however she returned looking down on her luck and it was clear to see that she had missed him. Either that or she was unable to work out the Chester bus system.

BUT! The big reveal came at the end of the week as Father Francis was revealed to be nothing but a scam artist on his way to Vegas! I can’t work out if the unassuming way that the reveal was done was a good or bad thing. I mean does this definitely mean he was a scam artist? Let’s look at the options.

· Maybe the announcement for the flight to Uganda had taken place shortly before the scene began? Father Francis was just taking it easy. No need to rush.
· Maybe he was taking the money to Vegas as he had a system for winning on the roulette tables and wanted to win more money so that he could help more kids?
· Maybe you can’t get a direct flight from Chester airport to Uganda International and the obvious stop-off point is in Vegas? Right?

Hmm, as much as we’d love to see those options come true it looks like what no one suspected has come true and the man of God was in fact a player.

This probably explained why he never seemed to do anything that a priest would be expected to do and seemed to spend most of his time in the gym. I’m sure it wouldn’t be that easy to pose as a priest. Surely he would have been assigned to the parish by the archbishop? Did no one look into this? Did he simply turn up at Hollyoaks church one day and just announce that he had

‘done a bit of praying and stuff in Uganda…’

It also begs the question why he didn’t chase Cindy for her cash. Would that have been too obvious? Also why was he so quick to back away from Carmel? I’m guessing he thought it might ruin his plan.

So, Father Francis has gone. Hollyoaks really don’t have the best of luck with priests do they? I think the best option would be to get a really old one in with at least thirty years of service under his frock that won’t have his head turned by young men or run off his with the offertory money.

As I earlier mentioned unrequited love was also on the agenda this week as Ruby made her intentions clear to grumpy Irish head teacher Pete. After moving in for a kiss that Pete simply couldn’t wheel away from in time, Ruby boasted to her buddy and roommate Esther that the feeling was mutual. The bubble was however burst very quickly as Pete paid a visit later in the week to explain that he would not be tutoring anymore and that his duties would be taken over by Mrs Pritchard who it emerged had a bit of a fish based odour problem. You would have thought that he wouldn’t have time to tutor students with learning difficulties during term time anyway due to his busy job as the headmaster of a secondary school but this didn’t seem to come into it.

Old flames Tony and Mandy were reunited this week following some intervention by Tom who still hasn’t died despite being involved in the amount of drama only usually seen in twelve episodes of Holby city in his lifetime. Tom stole Mandy’s phone and sent Tony many texts that made his realise the importance of Mandy in his life blah blah blah. Has Tony forgotten how just a few months ago Mandy re-emerged in the village with big plans to take him for everything he had? This sequence of events ultimately led to his restaurant and flat being burnt down and his brother going to prison.

Maybe Tony and Mandy simply had a plan that if the writers had no stories left to write about them by the time she was thirty they would just get married? That would work right? Also, where is Mandy’s baby? She never seems to mention her/him. Maybe she just made it up and is in fact insane.

The usual stuff was also ongoing with Jason, Bart and Sinead. Is this storyline really still going on? Jeez….